I Heart Survivor: Redemption Island Week #5

So last we left our heroes, Pantene Matt sent Russell packing, and the Bossiah managed to get another threat out of his tribe. However, even with Kristina gone the reality is that his tribe is sinking. And really, do we think she has the chutzpah to go against God and locks to take out Matt? Well stand up and turn your hymnals to page 356 and let’s see.

Rain is soaking the Ohmyteepees. Phillip is boo hooing about being the odd man out. The tribe crawls in for a soggy night. Phillip wants to cuddle up with Rob but not before Rob makes sure he has his underwear on.

Phillip confirms he is fully covered but that still doesn’t stop him from copping a feel of the Boston cheeks.

The Bossiah suffers through the night with Phillips’s knee in his back. Pay back for Tribal Council? Perhaps, but Rob is hatching a new plan. Maybe keep Phillip around for a bit longer since the craziness deflects attention off of him. Incidentally, a very observant fan pointed out this little gem to me:

Notice the question mark. Seems like even CBS doubts Lose Lips Phillip was truly an FBI agent!

Day 12 and life at Zapatera seems blissful compared to Ohmyteepee. Oompa Loompa Ralph is catching fish. Firefighter Julie is passing out kisses. And Steven is hoping to pass on some of the joy to Stephanie and Krista because, after all, there is a merge a coming and its best to keep your friends close and your witches closer. Time to pick spectators for Thunderdome. The two witches cast a magical spell and pick the right squares that send them on their way. Well so goes Steven’s bright idea of converting over Russell’s girls; Stephanie plans on sending a message to Ohmyteepee that they have two players who are ready to jump ship and join them at the merge.

BC Grant and The Bossiah are chosen by Ohmyteepee to watch the beheading at Thunderdome. Today’s duel is building a cube. Lame. Give me something with spears. Whatever. So can the attorney outsmart Goldilocks? Pantene Matt is channeling Samson so I’m not holding my breath. Both players drag their big ass pieces over to their platforms and start the duel. Out the gate, Matt looks like he’s just going to casually build the cube in seconds and the music swells to victory except…he’s stumped. He has to start over.

Kristina looks like she’s going to pass out and die.

Pantene Matt casually continues to put his cube together while needling Rob about voting him out for no reason. Jeff tries to instigate it further by asking Rob why he did it, but The Bossiah has been to this barbecue a few times and answers with the very political response, “it takes more than one person to vote someone out.” Then just like that, Matt finishes his cube. This guy is on fire.

Matt starts belly aching to Rob and BC Grant how he was going to go the distance with the two of them. Stephanie takes the opportunity to interject that she and Krista are ready to jump. The Bossiah is uneasy with it all but gives the thumbs up. It’s the only thing he can do without committing to anything.

Time for Kristina to go. You fought a good fight; you just picked a really sucky alliance. Jeff tells her to burn her buff. “Do I have to?” Jeff says she does. And really, what happens if she doesn’t? I want her to flip him off and take the buff and run. What’s he going to do, kick her out of the game? But she does as she’s told. Weak.

While The Bossiah and BC Grant are away at Thunderdome, Lose Lips Phillip is frustrated that he can’t make an impression on the ladies. Oh trust me, Phillip. You’ve made a lasting impression they will NEVER forget you.

He said the girls remind him of crabs. I can’t wait to see where this is going. Well he says that they scatter as soon as they see him coming like the crabs do. Fair enough. At least you are cognisant that are offensive to women and crabs. Anna Paquin and Ashley miss their “older brothers”, Grant and Rob, but they’re faking it around Andrea and Phillip in the meantime. Ironically, Andrea complains about having to “fake it” with the girls. They are too superficial for her talking about hair and flaking skin on their fingers. That’s not superficial, that’s just gross. If she had her way, she would get rid of Anna Paquin before Phillip but finding a way to bring that up is a bit tricky.

Andrea and Lose Lips Phillip have a bonding moment together. She asks him if he ever conspired against her or tried to throw her under the bus.

Never.

Never?

Never.

Never?

Never.

Ok.

She was just curious. Please. She’s at the end of her rope and considering an alliance with Phil. She has a better shot at making an alliance with these guys.

Phillips says he's on the outs. He sleeps alone in the shelter; no one cuddles up with him. LIAR!!!! We all saw you get a handful Phillip, so PIPE IT!

He says Andrea had Matt, and he’s never had anyone, but he proposes an alliance with her and Matt should he return. On a sidebar, he says he’s made some real synergy with On-drea today. Ok two things. Synergy?? First we have goober, and now the Survivor word of the day is synergy, the same word the food crazed sexless Military Mike was throwing around in the last episode.

And second, On-drea…Fransessqua.

Uma.

Oprah.

Where’s this guy from, the moon? Why can’t her pronounce any female name, especially the ones he hears every single frickin day? Phillip acknowledges that The Bossiah is the king, and he is a lord waiting for an opportunity to replace the king. I think he's a bit delusional about his role in the kingdom.

Heading back to Zapatera, Russell’s witches discuss what they are going to tell the others about Thunderdome. They decide to tell them everything except the part where they offered their allegiance to The Bossiah. I would normally throw out a “no duh” but considering at the last duel Oompa Loompa Ralph tipped his hand to everyone that he had an idol, it's maybe not a bad idea to discuss out loud the obvious just so you don’t do something stupid.

Tribal life is bliss for the Zapatereans except for Stephanie and Christa who are miserable. They do anything they can not to listen to their tribe mates talk about how great they are and how great they did at the challenges. Well it makes sense, I guess. Old Chinese Proverb says: Sweet positive energy is like water to a witch.

Firefighter Julie is antsy again about karma and is STILL worried that since they threw the challenge they stopped their momentum. Did she forget that they won the last challenge? Let it go Julie before I throw a black cat on your head and crack a mirror in front of you. And right after that, Military Mike spills the pot of water on the fire and accidentally puts it out.

Oh my gosh these strange occurrences can mean only one thing!!

Vincent Price is in the jungle somewhere. You've all been warned. If a tarantula shows up I'm outta here. And you Survivors are screwed if the next Immunity Idol looks like this.

In which case you should NOT go in the water!!!

Immunity Challenge consists of callers, blindfolds, puzzle pieces, and coffee beans. Yawn. I’ve seen this at Starbucks.

Reward is sugar, cream, and pastries. Imodium not included. Way to go Jeff! You may as well give out a basket of diarrhea to these poor fools who haven’t eaten anything but rice.

Oompa Loompa Ralph says he could eat the basket. Not a bad idea. It’s probably going to sit better in the intestines. Steve and Firefighter Julie sit out the challenge. The Zapatereans led by Sarita make Stephanie the caller. She can tell she’s a linguist, and she’s bossy as all get out.

Defense Dave thinks this is a mistake feeling more qualified for the job. The Ohmyteepees put their fate in the hands of The Bossiah.

Its complete chaos with lots of yelling. BC Grant gets the first bag back for Ohmyteepee, but Sarita and Christa meet that and raise it one with two back. Its quickly neck-in-neck, but the main amusement is Stephanie and Ralph screaming at each other the whole time.

The Bossiah starts working on the puzzle first but a piece drops on the floor unbeknownst to him!

Stephanie quickly makes up some time. Rob notices his missing piece and starts to fly through it.

Steve starts to worry they made a mistake picking Stephanie as the caller. Whatever. Rob solves the puzzle and wins Immunity.

The rest of Zapaterra begin an amusing round of a game called Hindsight.

The Ohmyteepees celebrate by stuffing their faces with muffins and doughnuts.

The woods are going to be violated in about two hours.

Lose Lips Phillip offers up one of his doughnuts for a massage. Surprisingly, no one jumps at this offer. BC Grant sticks his snoot in the jar of fresh coffee and notices the Hidden Immunity Idol clue buried in there.

Rob sees it too, and the two manage to get the jar away from the rest of tribe with an impressive choreographed move.

Rob takes the clue out and gives the jar back to Grant who takes it back to camp so no one is suspicious. The Bossiah once again is on his game and quickly thinks on his feet. He runs to his hidden idol, unburies the first clue, and swaps it for the clue that Grant found.

When Grant returns, they read the clue together which Rob knows is vague enough that Grant will never be suspicious at not finding the idol since Rob actually has it! Rob continues his award winning performance pretending to be nervous as the two of them bury the clue together. Amazing.

Over at Zapatera, a heated argument ensues over the challenge. Defense Dave is well…defensive. Sarita calmly says she thought Stephanie is better under pressure even though Dave is the puzzle guy. This sends Dave in a downward spiral as he argues back. Not really a good show of being good under pressure, Dave.

Later, Firefighter Julie says she still has hope for Stephanie to come around; she wants Christa gone. If Sarita had it her way, Dave would be going, but she will vote for Stephanie. So the cracks begin to show! And Stephanie and Christa continue in the footsteps of Russell. They complain about no one really playing the game since Steve is clearly useless and still doesn’t have a target on his back. Hey witches, no one trusts you. Getting rid of untrustworthy players is playing the game, I don’t care how much firewood you can carry so pipe it!

Shit the bed!! Then this happens:

Two words people. Vincent. Price. He's alive and well.

At Tribal Council, Jeff confirms to Christa if she and Stephanie are still on the outs. She says yes; there is no game playing and it's like the Brady Bunch has gone camping and brought the two neglected stepchildren along. First of all witch, the entire show was about stepchildren so your point is lost. Dumb ass. And second, this is the closest you come in comparison:

And he was never invited on any of the camping trips.

Sarita responds to the “not playing the game” comment with the reality that they voted out one of the toughest players in Survivor history; that’s playing the game. Thank goodness Military Mike isn’t able to think about sex because he makes a very clear and poignant remarks to Christa that she hasn’t played a strategic game, she hasn’t reached out to people, and she hasn’t created any trust. Her strategy has been to be abrasive to everyone. Take that bitch! I mean witch! Christa continues her tirade by exposing potential sub alliances: Ralph and Sarita, Steve and Mike, Julie and Steve. She’s not sure where Dave is. It looks like Dave doesn’t either.

Once again Mike brings it back around. There’s been plenty of strategy talk, just not with Christa because no one trusts her.

Since it comes down to either Christa or Stephanie going home, Stephanie hopes that her past successes at challenge will be enough to keep her around. You mean like the time you failed to at the last challenge? Time to vote. The Sister Witches hold each other’s hands awaiting their fate as Jeff reads the verdict.