Last we left our heroes, Kristina’s attempt to kill The Bossiah failed miserably, Philip announced to the world that he suffers from diaherra lips, and Fransessqua earned a free trip to Redemption Island. If you missed last week’s Tribal Council drop everything and run to www.cbs.com now and watch. It’s one of the best Tribal Councils EVER. Even if you did see it, treat yourself to a repeat viewing. Amazing.
Tonight starts with Fransessqua checking in to Redemption Island. She thinks she may be better off there away from Lose Lips Philip, and I can’t really fault that logic. Back at Camp Ohmyteepee, Philip pulls Rob aside in an attempt to run some interference after Cirque de Tribal Council. But The Bossiah can see right through this clown. Philip tells Rob that he owns his vote until he comes back from Redemption Island but then after that he’s a competitor! Listen Philip, you need to pipe it! The Bossiah rallies the Blonde Ambition Alliance to confirm they are six strong. Philip is the next to go.
And please let it come soon because I’m not sure I can handle any more of this.
Philip drones on and on about the design of “telling the girls” he was an FBI agent was to prove he was trustworthy. But Francesca (damn, his medication must have kicked in; he said it right) tried to malign his character. He gets all choked up about having worn the uniform of a special agent to protect and defend blah, blah, blah. First of all, don’t FBI agents wear suits? I wouldn’t consider that a uniform which leads me to believe maybe he had some other government job?
Just saying. The bottom line is, he still loves Philip Shepherd. And so do we. Keep up the good crazy. You can sell it here anytime. Just put some pants on, for the love.
Over at Zapatera, Oompa Loompa Ralph is crowing like a rooster and it’s bugging the crap out of Russell. He says Ralph not only may be the dumbest person to ever play Survivor, he may be the dumbest person on Earth. Let’s not go crazy, Russell. He is going to have to do more than crow like a rooster in order to get that title.
What I think is really bothering Russell is that he’s worried. Oompa Loompa Ralph is just too far out there for Russell to manipulate and control which means T-rouble. So off he scrambles to the girls. He pulls Krista into his alliance with Stephanie. He’s going to look for the idol and rambles on about how we all know that’s how he plays. He finds idols. He’s amazing. And so way behind Kristina who has already done it in Ohmyteepee so we’re not impressed Russell. You’re skills are so last episode. You’re slipping man.
Then the most ironic amazing thing happens. One of the “dumbest players in Survivor history” finds the hidden Immunity Idol before Russell does. Oompa Loompa Ralph was just minding his own bee’s wax picking up rocks and there it was. Now how’s that rooster crow taste, Russell?
There’s love in the air over at Ohmyteepee. Pantene Matt is all shimmer and shine for Andrea. “You are so hardcore, I need to come hang out in Wisconsin.” I’m not convinced Matt knows where Wisconsin is. The Bossiah has his eye on these two, mainly because he suspects Andrea is trying to take a page out of his Survivor Bible repeating what he did with Amber. No way no how is that going to happen so Rob pulls in Anna Paquin planting the seed that Andrea may need to go. I’m a little shocked by this as it seems a little early for Rob to be insinuating tearing up the Blonde Ambition Alliance so early. Anna Paquin seems to be ok with this. After all, she hangs with vampires so what’s to fear? Making big moves with Rob is smart.
It’s time for the Immunity Challenge. Lose Lips Phil quivers saying he will outlast any man on the other tribe. “What about the women?” Jeff asks. “That’s another day,” he says.
GOOD TV. I’m torn between having him stick around for as long as possible and my absolute dream Redemption Island challenge of seeing him go up against Fransessqua in Thunderdome.
The challenge has tiles, balls, swimming, throwing, and locks. Winning team also gets a crap load of fishing gear. Dreadlock Grant takes a flying leap off the platform and practically makes it across the water the other side. To top that off he hits the tile to release the key without breaking the tile!
I’m almost impressed until it finally hits me where I’ve seen this guy.
He is use to chasing woolly mammoths and hunting saber tooth tigers so this is really just child’s play. The challenge remains neck and neck until the final round where Oompa Loompa Ralph squares off against Lose Lips Phil in throwing a ball at five tiles. Ralph zips ahead breaking four while Philip gets one. This challenge looks to be in the bag for Zapatera, but Ralph stalls at getting the final tile broken. Philip manages to get three more tying it to four all. But I think Ralph was just toying with him, because he breaks the 5th and final tile winning back-to-back Immunity for Zapatera. For those keeping a tally, that’s Satan – 2 and The Bossiah – 0. Speaking of The Bossiah, he is none to happy with Pantene Matt after he walks over with congratulatory handshakes for Zapatera. And really Matt, what the hell?? I’m surprised Rob doesn’t rip out your locks right there.
Russell makes sure he carries the basket full of fishing gear back to camp because he’s sure there is a clue hidden in there for the Immunity Idol. He finds it and thinks he’s has palmed it unseen except you can’t get much past the Steel Wool. Oompa Loompa Ralph watches it all go down. Russell runs to his girls showing off his prize only to be confronted by Military Mike and Ralph at the watering hole. Ralph asks him point blank if he has the clue. He may as well have taken a bat to a hornet’s nest. As we’ve seen in the past, nothing pisses off Russell more than to be challenged. It's like looking a Pit Bull directly in the eyes. He lies and says he doesn’t have it but makes sure Ralph knows he doesn’t appreciate his tone and can expect to find a horse head in his section of the shelter tonight.
Meanwhile, over at Redemption Island Fransessqua gets a journal to write all her profound thoughts in like “I hope and pray that Philip isn’t the one to join me in this hell hole” which means that Philip will be the one to be voted out tonight to join Fransessqua in that hell hole.
Back over at Ohmyteepee, Lose Lips Phil has the pre-tribal council as Rob puts it by calling everyone together and making sure they know he messed up at the challenge today which of course they know since they were there with you dumb ass. Rob tries to smooth it all over and reminds Philip that they lost as a team. He still has a burr in his fur over Pantene Matt shaking hands with the enemy. He doesn’t like it that Matt is playing the social game on “day frickin five.”
And boy the winds of change have blown. The Bossiah rallies with BC Grant and Ashley to stir a swell against Pantene Matt. The plan is to tell Andrea and Matt they are splitting the vote (not hairs) but really four votes are sending Matt into Fransessqua’s arms. I really think Rob is playing this far too emotional. In a tribe of weaklings, is it really smart to get rid of the Golden Boy right now?? Please. I beg you. Send Philip and his Underoos packing.
The Bossiah gathers the Blonde Ambition Alliance to lie out the plan for Tribal: the guys are to vote for Philip, and the girls are to vote for Kristina. But in actuality, Rob, Ashley, BC Grant, and Anna Paquin are voting for Matt and hope that Kristina plays the idol. Pantene Matt has not a clue and continues to sing the praises of his beloved leader. He is so impressed with how Rob plays the game, and boy is he ever gonna be impressed after tonight! Rob is the ultimate puppet master right now as he pulls Lose Lips Phil off for a chat in front of everyone. No one suspects anything. They all assume he’s feeding him a line of bull but in actuality, The Bossiah is testing the waters to create a new disciple. He inflates Philip's ego, assures him that he will be ok, and says that he will touch the shoulder of the person he wants Philip to vote for at tribal. It’s all getting crazy Godfather now. Rob is smart enough to know that Philip’s diaherra lips could start at any minute but the test is worth it to him, so he just slips Philip some Imodium. It makes me nervous as hell.
At Tribal Council, Jeff asks Kristina if she plans on using the Immunity Idol she is wearing around her neck, which she indicates is likely. He enquires further to Philip about his animal instinct, which he proceeds to show off
the Gorilla on left arm and the
Lion on his right. If you mess with his country you get the Gorilla; if you mess with his family you get the Lion. Perhaps if he had done a little less monkeying around, he would still have his job. Philip continues stating that when he gets to Redemption Island, he’s not going to lie down and die. He will get an opportunity to meet his nemesis, to which Jeff answers, “FRANCHESSQUA.” I love you Jeff Probst. You know he has been dying to say it since the last Tribal Council.
Time to vote. Rob gets Philip’s attention. It’s time to give “the sign.”
He takes his hand and awkwardly shakes Kristina’s shoulder which then turns into a rub. Kristina’s “What the?” look is absolutely priceless.
I think she may think The Bossiah is making a pass at her. My gut says she's not interested but may be flattered. Philip is proud as a peacock (I’m sure that’s tattooed somewhere) that he got the secret message.
He boldly places his vote with the amazing statement, “Kristina, for lying and being a manip-a-lator along with your friend…Fransessca.” Oh Lose Lips Phil, I love you most when you say her name. And when you wear pants.
Time to read the votes. Jeff makes the call if anyone has a hidden immunity idol and Kristina jumps to use hers even before he finishes the phrase. Phase One of The Bossiah’s grand plan: COMPLETE. First two votes for Kristina, does not count. She is smiling from ear to ear.
Next two votes for Philip, and he isn’t smiling so much. But the sound of the Pantene bottle hitting the ground is heard around the jungle when Matt gets the next vote. And the next. A picture says a thousand words, or at least three in this case: shock, disbelief, and joy.
And the next vote, Matt. And one more is enough to drop Andrea’s mouth as the locks are loped right off of Pantene Matt. Phase Two of The Bossiah’s grand plan: COMPLETE
Who knew that a handshake could cost a million dollars?
And that’s that as Sandra Bullock steps out of the jungle to escort Pantene Matt to Redemption Island.
Next week Andrea is steaming mad and Stephanie is going on about the biggest blindside in Survivor history. Whatever. Go jump in the well and shut it.
Pantene Matt arrives at Redemption Island and Franswessqua can hardly believe her eyes. Matt is still on the emotional rollercoaster thinking Rob set him up for the greatest comeback in Survivor history. Too late Matt, no one likes a repeat and that stunt has been done already by a troop leader named Lil who was voted out, brought back in the game, and made it all the way to the final.
I have a feeling you aren’t going to do the same. Now go wash your hair.
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