In the aftermath of Tom’s exit, things are down at Camp Losers. Lennie James offers Colby a hug. Really. He means it. But Cry Baby Colby would rather cry so he declines. Craft Service Candace confesses that she voted against Tom in order not to make waves in the tribe. I’m feeling like she is the only smart person on this tribe. Amanda doesn’t trust her because she was gunning for her beloved James so she wants her gone! Meanwhile, over at the Villains camp everyone is sawing logs except Boston Rob and Russell Baggins. These two are like sharks circling each other. Russell tries to throw down a truce, which of course is all just a rouse to get Rob’s guard down. In turn, Rob tries to make Russell paranoid by telling him the tribe is mad because he went looking for the idol. Now THIS is a pissing contest worth watching folks! I’m giddy.
Tree mail! Cry Baby Colby is suspicious of the vague mail, as its neither reward nor immunity. We know his spidey senses are accurate because this is a double elimination episode! Personally, I don’t like these but I’ll try to get over it. Ok, I’m over it. He’s also wondering how Lennie James will fair. And we all know the answer to this. He won’t. He’s toast. The Loser Heroes are going to go down…again.
At the challenge, the Villains are in disbelief that James is still there and Tom’s gone. Yes, Villains they are that dumb. Jeff drops a bomb on everyone; the challenge is individual immunity. Both tribes are heading to tribal tonight. The challenge is that old crazy rope maze. I feel like I’ve seen this one a thousand times. Please can anyone come up with something new? Each tribe will run the course separately for individual immunity, and then the two winners will square off to win weenies for their tribe. Heroes already have enough weenies on their tribe, so I’m pulling for the Villains.
Villains win the toss and force the Heroes to take the course first. It’s anyone’s game, except Cry Baby Colby and Rupert. The rest of the tribe including James all have the lead at various points. JT and Craft Service Candace pull ahead of the bunch, and its Candace to the finish first. Amazing. This is going to put a burr in Amanda’s fur.
The Villains take the course. It’s basically a race between Tyson, Rob, and Russell Baggins. I’m beside myself watching this with a pit in my stomach. I need Rob to win. I’ll puke if Russell does. I let out a huge whoop as Boston Rob wins immunity! Now get rid of Russell!!! I can’t wait for tribal now.
Rob and Craft Service Candace square off for the weenies. This time the course is twice as big and looks like a jungle gym. There are a lot of butt shots as these two flip through it, and some we really didn’t need to see and I’m sure the players would have rather had not shown.
Really CBS? You couldn’t have just omitted this? Help a sister out, for the love.
Candace’s blurred booty is no match for Boston Rob. He wins food for the Villains. Heading back to camp, Cry Baby Colby suspects that he has shed his last tear and will be going home tonight. But hey, who knows! (Lois has a better shot at winning Miss America than he has of sticking around.)
Boston Rob rallies the Villains back at camp. The plan is to vote out Parvati but make them think its Russell Baggins so he plays the idol. Rob’s best girlfriend, the Dragon Slayer, crows about being important since two alliances want him. But he is true blue and is stickin with Rob. We all know we can take this to the bank. I’m now ecstatic to be able to watch the rest of this episode without too much tension. But nooooo, just like that the tension in my stomach is back.
Rob gloats to Russell Baggins telling him its been real. He better have the idol cause he’s going home. It’s better to play with him than against him. That’s like taking a bat to beehive. Russell Baggins is pissed and kudos to him because he knows exactly what’s going on. He breaks it down for Chaka and Parvati: they’re trying to flush the idol out and blindside Parvati. Russell plans on giving the idol to Parvati and throwing a vote to Tyson. Dag gone this Hobbit! He drives me nuts.
Over at Camp Losers, Cry Baby Colby admits he has egg all over his face since Lennie James did better in the challenge with one leg than he did with two. Colby announces to the tribe the he knows he’s the one going home, so no need for scrambling just enjoy the afternoon. Interesting. I’m dumbfounded by this guy.
Lennie James shakes it down to Cry Baby. He needs to turn it on and start winning and stop being old sleepy-ass Colby who gets beat by a fat man and a cripple. AMEN BROTHER! James continues to state what I’ve been feeling from the start; this is not the Colby from Australia. “It’s like my Superman sucks.” Brilliant.
JT, Craft Service Candace, Amanda, and Rupert discuss getting rid of James over Colby. Whoa, I can’t believe this. I can’t even say that’s a good idea, since Cry Baby Colby is such a crybaby and does nothing. They discuss the pros and cons with James’ banana eating laid down as a major con. I’m totally shocked that Amanda is seemingly leading the charge against James.
She later takes him aside and spills the beans. He needs to show them he can run. James looks at her the same way I do. What the hell do you want him to do? Just start sprinting down the beach? She also tells him to lay off the bananas. He needs to adhere to banana etiquette: when you get one, you’re suppose to bring everyone in the class one. Duh. Was this guy raised by wolves? I thought everyone knew banana etiquette.
Lennie James initiates a round of the Hero Olympics. He challenges JT to a race. JT beats him handily even running it backwards pretty much the whole way. And then there’s Cry Baby Colby just floating in the water. Geesh. This is a tough one. Keep a lame competitor in a good body or keep a lame body on a good competitor. I have no idea what I would do here. I’d probably vote off Rupert. The man doesn’t blink, and it creeps me out.
Boston Rob comes around to the Villains to change up the plan. Three have to vote for Russell Baggins and three for Parvati in order to make sure they don’t backdoor them with the Idol. Good job Rob! But then Russell Baggins blows some hot air up Tyson telling him he’s going to vote Parvati. Tyson believe it and plans on flipping his vote to Parvati just to get her gone and have it be a straightforward vote. All he wants is to get some hot dog in his mouth. He’s going to get some hot dog all right but not in his mouth. Russell Baggins is about to screw him and this idiot has no idea. Russell confesses in an interview what they should do which is exactly Rob’s plan, be doesn’t think they’re smart enough to do it. As much as I hate Russell Baggins, he is a smart cookie. Tyson is an ass if he messes this up.
Tribal council is a flurry of sound bites. Sandra spills that Russell has the idol. Of course he plays dumb. There’s concern over Parvati’s connections to the Heroes. Tyson’s a threat because he’s charming. You either love Rob or hate him, which puts him at the center of constant controversy. Time to vote. Tyson, I will make you eat your designer shorts if you mess this up. So far everyone is voting according to plan but of course we don’t see Tyson’s vote. Sandra votes Russell and says he needs to get in the ocean and wash his ass. I love her.
I’m so frickin nervous. Jeff makes the announcement to play the idol if you have it. Russell Baggins gives it up! Rob grins from ear to ear. But Russell pulls the rug out from everyone and gives it to Parvati. Everyone is on edge. Votes start flying. Russell. Russell. I could vomit. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. In seconds we go from this…
to this…
Tyson your are an idiot. Tyson. Tyson. Tyson. He’s out and everyone is wearing confusion except Russell Baggins. Tyson admits he was a fool in his closing speech, along with “I’m still pretty awesome.” Last time I checked Tyson, turds weren’t awesome. How’s that hot dog feel?
His Best H vs. V Move: Aligning with Rob
His Worst H vs. V Move: Do I need to even say it?
The Villains start their weenie feast while the Loser Heroes file in. Lennie James brings up losing the race against JT today. Jeff targets Cry Baby Colby asking him if he can scramble to avoid getting the boot. Colby admits that he and James are the ones in question. And then James gives us one of the most amazing moments this season. It goes something like this:
“This is pretty much one of the baddest Survivors ever growing up…. He got slammed by the Dragon Slayer, today he got beat by a cripple and a fat dude on the obstacle course. Its like finding out Superman was in a big girdle. You see them muscles and you get up close and its nothing but a fat suit.”
Amazing.
Jeff asks Colby what its like to hear James say that its like seeing Superman is wearing a fat suit. Correction Jeff. A girdle. He needs the girdle first because it’s the only way he can get in the fat suit. Get it right. Colby admits that hearing it isn’t as bad as living the reality. He hasn’t performed as well as he hoped to. Did no one watch the All Stars??? The lug performed exactly the same. So in three outings, two have been the same dismal Cry Baby Colby.
The Villains are kicked out before the vote. Time to vote. Colby. James. James. What?? James. James. Get out. I’m stunned. Amanda stands and hugs him with an “I love you.” Get a room.
Damn. I’m stunned, but mostly because now I’m going to have to train Lois how to walk the runway and how to win a swimsuit competition.
His Best H vs. V Move: All those years of working out and creating that body. He s the only reason they can compete in challenges at all.
His Worst H vs. V Move: Getting hurt
Next week: Rob unleashes his wrath on Russell Baggins.
I cannot understand a word Lennie James says in his final words. I hear banana. Colby. Injured. This guy has been hanging around JT too much.
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