Opening at the Heroes camp, James is still ranting about wanting to win in the aftermath of tribal council. “Did I say it wrong?” he asks with Stephanie’s blood still pouring out from the corners of his mouth. Tom is the only brave one to walk into that minefield and tell him he could have been gentler. These two are looking a lot like Lennie and George from Of Mice and Men, and boy that didn’t end well. I foreshadow that Tom is going to have to kill James at the end of this episode after James accidentally snaps the Craft Service Lady’s neck.
Immediately the issue that perplexed me most from last week is addressed: Why did JT flip? He hasn’t a chance in hell of winning this game without going to the final two with another previous winner. (Which leads me to changing my mind about Sandra winning; what was I smoking. It’s a statement; not a question.) JT mumbles an apology. Tom is able to crane his neck and look out in front of them and read the subtitles and accepts it with a big man hug. (Pats included)
Later, Cry Baby Colby laments to Tom that he isn’t sure this game is for him. I make a mental note to bring the trashcan in from the bathroom next week cause it would be easier to vomit in the can than on the floor. Thankfully, they are hardwood. Really Colby?? This game is too much for you? Maybe you should quit and hold out for CBS’ version of Chutes and Ladders: Heroes vs. Villains. Maybe that would be more up your alley.
Singing the same tune in harmony with Colby, Tom thinks they may have been naïve coming back thinking it was going to be Marquis of Queensbury Rules. Ok Tom. You got me. You’re wearing your smarty-pants, and I’m wearing my boxers. I’m going to bite and find out what the heck you’re talking about.
Marquis of Queensbury Rules: a boxing code written in 1865 persuading boxers that you must not fight simply to win; no holds barred is not the way; you must win by the rules.”
Last time I checked, voting people out was a rule of Survivor so let me break this down for y’all. Colby and Tom are disappointed that no one is going to let them win this game. I write this note to pass to Tom in gym class tomorrow: You’re a jackass.
I don’t bother writing Colby one because he’s too much of a wuss and his tears would probably smudge the ink before he could read it anyway.
Meanwhile, over at the Villains’ camp, nighttime fun consists of Parvati and Russell laughing because her head won’t stay on his chest; it just rolls off. Do you think he knows she just called him fat on national television? No matter. Prof. Mariano gives us a vital lesson in Survivor 101 - if you want to know who is in an alliance together, check out whom they are sleeping next to. Amazing. Why didn’t we think of that? With this inside scoop, we know for sure that Russell and Parvati are thick as thieves, and Randy plans on taking a Kookaburra to the final two. I’m stoked to hear that Rob is on to Russell.
Over at Camp Losers, Rupert was hoping for rain so they could sit in the shelter and bond by braiding each other’s hair and playing a rousing game of “Count James’ Abs.” But alas, God hates them; no rain. Luckily, the chickens get loose and the team comes together by catching them. Rupert acts like he didn’t free them on purpose and tells the camera that the chickens were “suppose” to escape so they could bond.
Things are heating up over at the Villains’ Camp. Coach confronts Russell on his questionable relationship with Parvati. The room slightly spins. I haven’t had anything to drink but it’s good to know that hearing Coach put together words that make rational sense has the same effect as seven vodka tonics. Boston Rob gets in on the action, and watching him and Coach reprimand Russell is my favorite moment of this episode so far. Brilliant. Boston Rob gives a not so subtle threat to Russell. “I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt one time.” After hearing those words with that accent, I’m certain a horse head is going to show up in the shelter at least once this season. Russell is beside himself. He does brew us all a big pot of coffee and reminds us that Coach is a big joke. Man, I hate it when this guy is right. But then I get all confused with his “that’s my daddy” speech. Rob’s the daddy. I’m the daddy. You’re the daddy. Shut it down, Russell. Sandra’s the daddy and you’re going to learn it the hard way. Right when I was confident that Boston Rob had the upper hand on Russell Baggins, he spins a tale of lies for Parvati that leads her to believe Rob and Coach are after her. Damn, he’s good. Or damn, she’s dumb. I can’t decide.
Instead of listening to Coach’s bedtime story of surviving pygmies and piranhas, Russell Baggins decides to bury the machete. No one likes a repeat, Russell. That’s so last season. He wants to take Boston Rob’s hat too. Now that’s upping the ante! The editing makes it hard to tell if he’s successful but please, please, please let it be so.
The next morning, Randy is hit hard with the reality that the tribe would rather starve than eat a clam he caught. Dang that’s a rough go! Thankfully, Sandra will eat anything with anyone; just don’t write her name down. He commiserates with Coach on the lazy asses they have on their tribe, and it seems that Coach’s Clown Car just got a new passenger.
Meanwhile at Camp Losers, JT is in awe that Craft Service Lady is more strategical than he thought. I’m in awe that I actually heard him clear as a bell. Ironic since strategical isn’t a word. He’s thinking she may be the next to go. Like a good pot stirrin Southern boy, he marches straight to Cirie and tells her a lie about the Craft Service Lady not trusting her completely. Cirie is shocked. She assumed they were tight since she was getting free lattes off the truck. Cirie confronts her; Craft Service Lady denies it. I’m really surprised that Cirie doesn’t instantly suspect JT. Come on now, this isn’t her first BBQ. Craft Service Lady goes all Lois Lane interviewing the rest of the members at Camp Losers trying to get to the bottom of the lie. She pokes the bear and gets Lennie James all worked up about it. Boy oh boy, can I call ‘em or can I call ‘em! Back away, Craft Service Lady, just back away.
The Immunity/Reward Challenge is basically a pillow fight in mud. Winners get crap from home and the idol.
Round #1 Tom vs. Russell Baggins – Tom almost instantly flings Russell back to Middle Earth with one push. Easy Tom, you just got mud all over the Marquis of Queensbury Rules!
Round #2 Parvati vs. Craft Service Lady – This is a CAT fight! There’s pushing. There’s falling. There’s a blurred boob. Both end up in the mud but Parvati hits first. Heroes are in the lead. I’m sure they’ll blow it.
Round #3 Coach vs. Rupert – It’s kinda cruel to pit the two individuals with the lowest self esteem against each other but I’m giddy. Coach just pummels Rupert in the face and pushes him off the edge, but Probst calls fowl because Coach took one of his hands off the bag. Coach can’t hear the call for a replay over his victory howls which looks more like a seizure. After finally hearing the call for a replay, the room begins to spin again, as Coach does something that I’ve wanted to do on many occasions over the past 20 seasons: he flips Probst the bird.
The camera goes slow mo and we get one close up each of Coach and Rupert. It’s AMAZING! I want to kiss the editor of this episode. Second time around, Rupert sends Coach straight into a mud bath.
Round #4 Lady Dragon Slayer vs. Cirie – Cirie is ruthless! I would not want to meet her in a dark mud alley. Heroes score again.
Round #5 JT vs. Tyson – Another pummeling from Camp Losers as JT destroys Tyson. JT, ever the Southern gentleman, helps Tyson back up to the platform and gives him a hug. (Pats included) Tyson kisses him. What the? Rewind. As I was saying, Tyson kisses JT.
Round #6 Danielle vs. Amanda – Making her first screen appearance this season, Danielle steps onto the platform making up half of the most boring twosome ever to be on national television. I yawn. And not one of those Apolo Anton Ohno calm the nerves yawns. I’m actually bored and ready to fall asleep from the site of these two. Lois agrees to wake me when this round is over. A few moments later, I feel a gentle paw on my face. Lois whispers, “Amanda won.” I have the best cat in the world. As I tune back in, I catch a glimpse of Danielle sitting down on the bench looking like Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost.
Round #7 Boston Rob vs. Cry Baby Colby – I sit up straight for this one. There is no way Rob is losing this! No friggin way! No friggin…he lost. Unbelievable. No so much that he lost, but that it's actually John Mayer who emerges from the mud.
Borrowing JT’s subtitles, all Cha-Ka can say is:
And thus, my favorite image of this entire episode is born. I want her to look like this for the rest of the season. Please. Pretty please. I’ll do anything.
Round #8 Lennie James vs. Grumpy Old Randy – Really? I mean really? Is there an ambulance nearby? Lady Dragon Slayer is thinking the same thing. She tells Randy to fight as dirty as he can clearly ignoring the Marquis of Queensbury Rules. The two enter Thunderdome with some smack talking but Randy’s feet are barely on the platform for two seconds. Lennie James just lifts up his pillow, and Randy goes flying into the mud.
Unbelievable. Those Loser Heroes sweep the challenge 8-0. They win Immunity, crap from home, coffee, and in a cruel twist of irony…sugar. Searching for his body parts in the mud, Randy taunts Lennie James along with the other Villains. The Heroes hold him back as a big blurred F bomb flies out of his mouth. They know not what they do. They’ll know next week when Craft Service Lady isn’t around. Snap.
As the Villains scrub each other down in the ocean, the game talk starts. Grumpy Old Randy fears for his life more from flashbacks of the challenge and less because he thinks he may be voted out. Coach sure as hell isn’t falling for Parvati’s Siren ways with her skimpy swimsuit. After all, he’s been coaching college soccer for women for 13 years and he’s never had one of those girls bat their eyes and have it make a difference in their playing time. Key words Coach: you’ve never had one of those girls bat their eyes. Never. Meaning they never did. Meaning it didn’t happen no matter how clever you are with your word placement.
It’s looking like Grumpy Old Randy or Parvati is hitting the road. Boston Rob wants GOR out because he’s weak. Sandra doesn’t care, just as long as she stays clean. Lady Dragon Slayer wants to punch Parvati in the face. Coach just wants to talk about how honorable he is. He starts to say something about Martin Luther King, but I don’t quite hear it because I run into the bathroom to vomit. I really need to bring that trashcan out to the living room next week.
Going into Tribal Council, this is the second commercial break we’ve come back from that starts with this crazy drum beating choir shoutin music. I’m all for trying new things but I write this quick note, stick it in an envelope, and address it to the Survivor Music Supervisor: SIMMA DOWN!
Out the gate, Probst asks Sandra how important past relationships are, and the target falls squarely on Parvati’s back. She makes a weak claim that she will stay true to the Villains regardless of her previous relations with many over there at Camp Losers. Coach gets upset essentially because Sandra didn’t say he was a good leader when Jeff asks if the tribe has a leader. The missing machete is brought up but no one, I mean no one even attempts to guess where it went. Come on; did none of these people watch last season?? When asked about the tribe’s cohesiveness, Boston Rob continues to speak crystal clear truth: the tribe only functions well with urgency. If building a shelter was an Immunity Challenge, they’re current one wouldn’t suck.
It’s time to vote. Parvati of course votes Randy, and that’s all we know until Jeff reads them. Randy. Rob. What the?? Has to be Russell Baggins. Has to be. Randy. Randy. Randy. Randy. And Randy.
See ya GOR! You are free to go chase Sophia Loren and Ann-Margaret. On his way to getting his torch snuffed, Grumpy Old Randy dramatically throws his buff into the fire. Whoever cast him in this season needs to be tossed in as well.
Next week: Coach is crying because no one loves him, Camp Losers is splintered looking for a hidden Immunity Idol, and Russell Baggins needs to be voted off. Why are they showing repeats already?
Grumpy Old Randy gives his parting words, warning the Villains of Parvati, which completely explains why he voted for Rob. Huh? Whatever. Yeah you never felt like you belonged to the tribe. Because you didn’t. Randy had no business being in this season. Now where is that casting director…
His Best Moment in H vs. V: Flying off the platform in less than 2 seconds in the Pillow Mud Challenge
His Best Move in H vs. V: Not even attempting to fight James in the Pillow Mud Challenge
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