I admit it. I’ve had a really hard time coming back to Survivor. Sure I’ve been busy but it’s all been a really comfy excuse for me to put off watching. I’m still reeling from Tyson’s blunder two weeks ago. I can sense Russell Baggins pulling ahead in the game, which I can’t bear. Sorry for all you Russell fans out there, and I know of at least one. I suppose I can forgive you since evil has had an allure since the beginning of time…apple anyone? And so I cautiously approach the DVR knowing that this is the show where the Villains do notoriously win. (Holla to you Richard Hatch, now put on some clothes and don’t sit next to me again.)
So here goes…Lois, cover me. I’m going in.
Boston Rob is speechless and in shock. It’s a little heart breaking for me to see. He has an early morning chat with the girls discussing what went wrong. Tyson went wrong that’s what, and it started with those crazy shorts of his. Seven weeks in, and Courtney actually contributes something to the show citing Russell Baggins as the “bandy legged little troll who scampers around with his tooth missing.” He has a crush on Parvati who flirts with “anything that walks.” Russell Baggins, Lady MacBaggins, and Chaka all gloat in a circle over their victory. Russell says all they need to do is get Jeri. Parvati’s eyes roll back into her head since she know that ain’t happening. The rest of the group hears these three chuckleheads yakking it up. Boston Rob’s head is spinning. “I was born at night, but not last night.” The paranoia is setting in on him. How can these three can be so cocky against the five? Rob fears there may be traitors in his Alliance. Don’t go there! Stay strong Boston Rob.
Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer slips off to the beach to chat with Parvati, Chaka, and Russell Baggins. Chaka and Russell start spilling all sorts of propaganda over being in a tight alliance. In a side interview, Russell Baggins preaches how he’s bringing Jeri and Parvati together even though they hate each other. He thinks Jeri respects him now because he sacrificed himself for someone else. I would vomit if I had the energy but I’m too depressed with the thought that this idiot may win. He is sounding more and more like Jim Jones as he slinks off into the jungle to make a new batch of Kool-Aid.
Jeri seriously looks as if she is considering flipping to the dark side. Parvati offers her top four. Whatever. Don’t drink it Jeri!! Over at the Heroes camp, Cry Baby Colby knows that he has been granted far too many chances already. He has to “put up or shut-up” or maybe just cry. That works too.
Reward Challenge is water basketball. Courtney, Sandra, and Parvati take the bench for the Villains. The men take the course first. This is another pushy shovey hands everywhere challenge. It doesn’t take long for the testosterone to take over. There are headlocks everywhere but Cry Baby Colby gets the ball with the first shot and manages not once but twice missing the basket. Coach steals the ball and takes the Villains first shot at scoring. He serves up the most pathetic lay up coming nowhere near the basket producing an “oh my God” response from Parvati. I laughed really hard.
Coach takes another shot that’s only slightly better than the first dismal attempt. Cry Baby Colby swoops in, grabs the ball, and this time manages to score. It’s a giant step to getting out of his fat suit. But I’m afraid getting out of the girdle will take quite a few more baskets.
Second round all four women are on the course with two men. Cry Baby Colby tears it up getting to that ball steam rolling Coach. Why in the world they put Coach in again…Colby takes a shot but misses. Coach gets the ball and is manhandled by the Heroes.
Craft Service Candace gets a shot but misses. Coach grabs the ball and flings it in the air, again nowhere near the basket. Please tell me he isn’t a basketball coach. Colby again takes control of the ball flinging the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer out of the way. This guy has something to prove, and he is FINALLY showing up to play. A pass off to Candace who shoots a successful basket, and the Heroes lead 2-zip.
The men take the course again. JT sprints to the ball and runs off with it. Russell Baggins and Rupert wrestle in the water unaware that a challenge is actually taking place. It looks like a shark attack happening between these two.
JT passes off to Cry Baby Colby who tosses it in for the winning basket. Heroes dominate. Russell Baggins and Rupert are still pushing and shoving, while Colby takes a moment to celebrate the win with a handful of coffee beans. And really now, who doesn’t love some fresh Joe off the craft service truck?
The Heroes celebrate on a high eating up their victory feast. This could truly be a game changing moment. This win was fueled by Cry Baby Colby knowing he had to step it up at a time when the Villains were coincidentally emotionally down from their failed attempted at getting rid of Russell or Parvati. This could be a dramatic momentum shift to the rest of the game. At their victory lunch, Craft Service Candace finds a clue to a new hidden Immunity Idol in the middle of the table. The tribe decides to find the idol together to use it on the Villains. I’m not sure everyone is really on board with this plan but we’ll see.
At the Villain camp, Russell Baggins has a firm hold on Jeri in his web. They call Coach over to smell the Kool-Aid but then that room spinning, seven vodka tonic feeling hits me again as Coach speaks rational truth. Russell is full of bullshit, and he knows it and can see Jeri falling for it. No way in Middle Earth that Russell is going to take the two of them to the top three.
Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer pledges her allegiance to Darth Baggins in front of Coach hoping he will drink the Kool-Aid with her. Russell Baggins takes the opportunity to leave these two alone to let the Kool-Aid take effect. Since Coach is honor bound to do whatever Jeri does (in high school we called this something else but I guess times have changed), he’s hurt that she didn’t talk to him first before flipping sides. Apparently, Jeri has been blinded to the teenage girl side of Coach because she can’t understand how its not as clear to him that Rob can’t be trusted and Russell can. I have a knot in my stomach. Jeri rants on about how Russell Baggins is in it to win it. At this point, I have Lois run to the hall closet to pull out my bullhorn. I hold it up to the TV saying these words over and over: IN IT TO WIN IT. Do you hear yourself? Take a moment, Jeri. Process. He is in it to win it. For the love.
Immunity Challenge is a relay obstacle course with what’s that? A puzzle to put together in the end? Shocking. Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer, Chaka, and Russell Baggins sit this one out. Rupert, Cry Baby Colby, and Craft Service Candace are running for the Heroes while Amanda and JT are on puzzle duty. Parvati, Courtney, and Coach are running for the Villains (really, Courtney running?? A small gust will put her airborne…this should be good) and Rob and Sandra on puzzle duty. On each leg, the players run the course and bring back a bag of puzzle pieces.
First out, Parvati vs. Rupert with Parvati slightly edging out Rupert. Candace and Courtney are out second and by crackie doesn’t the Courtney just fly through the course! Clearly, no wind. Coach continues the lead over Cry Baby Colby. Parvati beats out Rupert again in their round, but on her second round Courtney losses major ground over Candace. Wind must have picked up. She’s warbling all over the place. Colby puts the after burners on and flies back with the Heroes last bag of puzzle pieces. Coach brings up the rear with the Villains’ last bag. JT and Amanda fly through the puzzle smoking Rob and Sandra. The tide has turned. And Rob should pack his bag. He looks so deflated.
Back at Villain’s Camp, Russell Baggins sits with Rob, Sandra, and Courtney discussing who should go next. “One of the weaker ones” is Russell’s response pointing at the women. Rob is dumbfounded but Russell defends the approach. “You would be surprised at how well it works.” Russell Baggins knows he’s running the game now. If Courtney goes, Rob’s days are numbered. Rob approaches Coach on what he thinks they should do. Coach thinks Courtney over Parvati because she’s a detriment in every challenge. Rob edges the conversation to getting rid of Russell. He asks what Jeri thinks but Coach claims he doesn’t know because Rob is his right hand man. Bullshit. Rob is playing the honor and loyalty card with Coach and boy howdy I can’t wait to see if that is going to pay off now that Coach has two irons in the fire.
Russell, Danielle, and Jeri batter Coach into agreeing to vote out Rob. Now is the time. Coach feels trapped because he gave his word that he’ll vote with them completely forgetting that ten minutes before that he gave his word to Rob to vote out Russell. Amnesia’s a bitch. This guy is an idiot. Rob tries some Jedi mind tricks with Jeri telling her that she knows what is the right thing to do. Coach tells Jeri again that it’s not the right time to get rid of Rob.
Rob is going to go. I need to prepare myself.
At tribal, Jeff kicks it off with the apparent tide switch against the Villains. Sandra answers that tonight the vote will see all kinds of names; the tribe is splintered. Jeff asks Coach if the tribe is in trouble. Coach answers with “at the dawn of every morning, hope springs eternal.” Drink up Coach. Cherry is the best flavor. Coach does make a good point that Tyson bridged the gap within the members of the tribe, and his dismissal created the rift. Agreed. Russell and Chaka instantly disagree with this, but Jeff puts it back on ‘em saying that Russell disagreeing basically confirms the truth that Tyson was the bridge. That Probst is good.
Then the gates open wide. Russell claims that getting rid of Tyson was the right decision, it was his decision, and he saved his alliance. Rob agrees with Coach that the tribe is all over the place, paranoid more about alliances than keeping the team strong. Russell throws it in Rob’s face that he voted for him last week which Rob defends that his vote was keeping the team strong. I’m exhausted. Someone better keep my team strong and get me a cocktail. Hop to it, Lois! And while you’re in the kitchen, grab Jeri an Advil.
Rob and Russell get really heated laying it out clear that they are gunning for each other. Jeff asks Coach what he thinks of these two. Coach makes another pretty good point stating that Russell and Rob are two of their best competitors fighting each other and makes a plea to put down arms, essentially asking to vote out Courtney. Rob lands the biggest zinger saying that you have to trust somebody and he has made that decision looking directly at Coach. Oh boy.
Jeff calls out on Jeri since her name hasn’t come up at all. She claims that she has no idea if she’s making the right decision but has to believe she is. Mm, mm, mm. Love me some Kool-Aid. Time to vote.
First vote Rob. Russell. Rob. Russell. Rob. Russell. Courtney. You’re a wuss, Coach. Grow a pair already. We need a few good men to stand up here; eunuchs need not apply. Final vote, Rob. Boston Rob gets a big hug from the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer. Then the moment of the episode happens. The Dragon Slayer tries to hug his best girlfriend goodbye but Rob gives the snub heard around the world.
That one’s gotta sting.
I feel exhausted and somewhat relieved. Relieved like a boil has been lanced. I can now take the energy of hope I had for Rob and commit everything fulltime to Russell’s demise. He is so manipulative. I never thought I would say this, but I hope Cry Baby Colby wins over Darth Baggins. I think Lois just passed out.
Rob is hands down the smartest player out there with some semblance of humanity. His parting words are nothing we aren’t expecting with his biggest disappointment to Coach. I can almost hear Coach crying himself to sleep.
His Best H v. V Move:
Recovering from dehydration and exhaustion with a new perspective on the game.
His Worst H vs. V Move: Trusting Coach more than Jeri. Had he gotten Jeri in his back pocket, Coach would have followed easily.
Next week: The Villains crumble in a montage of hate ending with Coach: “Pray for the merge.” I have only one thing to say to the Villains: Hey Kool-Aid!
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