Grab a life vest folks because we know from last week’s preview that the waterworks are coming. And boy do they come. Coach confides in Tyson. The invisible word bubble above his head says, “Coach, you’re full of shit” as Coach drones on and on about not deserving what Sandra said. Really? All of this drama from that comment? Coach is beside himself because he does noble things and no ones says anything nice about him. After all he is the only one out there who won’t compromise. Clearly, he rolled up the Marquis of Queensbury Rules and smoked it. If only Tom and Cry Baby Colby were around, but alas he’s stuck with Tyson who handles this amazingly well. He gives Coach not one but two hugs. Coach goes in for a kiss but Tyson pulls back; his heart belongs to JT.
Tyson offers to help coach him through it, but he’s going to say some things that Coach may not like. Tyson you sly devil you. Coaching the Coach! Coach can’t help but bite on Tyson's offer to give him so much personal attention. And here’s Tyson’s Coach Containment plan:
1. No feathers in your hair at tribal
2. Don’t tell your stories, people don’t believe your stories, they mock you. (Tyson included)
3. Do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you
I can’t help but believe these are all the things that drive Tyson up a wall most about Coach. He maneuvers beautifully, desperate to keep Coach as part of the team but reeling him in all in one move. Coach's response to the list:
No way, no how can Coach handle that much anonymity.
I’m intrigued that this is the second week in a row that the opening credits have been omitted. I think Mark Burnett got wind of me spilling the beans about what I noticed on Boston Rob and Lady Dragon Slayer’s opening pictures a few weeks ago.
The next morning while Coach is on a Walkabout, Tyson spills the beans about Coach's breakdown to the camp. Everyone’s dazed. Boston Rob can’t believe it. Again, how and why these people are shocked about anyone’s behavior is beyond me. W-A-T-C-H-T-H-E-P-R-E-V-I-O-U-S-S-E-A-S-O-N-S-D-U-M-B-A-S-S-E-S. Coach is acting no different than he did the last time he was on this show.
The only thing more brilliant than Tyson’s manipulation of Coach is watching Mastermind Merino step in. Boston Rob takes Coach aside. Coach starts whining about wanting to bond more with Rob. I can barely watch this because I’m so embarrassed, but thankfully Rob interrupts and won’t let Coach get to the part where he asks Rob out. He instantly assures Coach that he’s not on the outside and proves his words with a triple seal: a knuckle punch, a handshake, and a hug. (Pats included) But Coach isn’t shut down that easily. He wants to sharpen each other and do stuff together. Gross. Rob clamps it down again with a “you’re going to have to trust me, literally trust me and you’ll be fine.” But noooooooooo, Coach can’t stop. It’s unbelievable. I’m guessing Amber isn’t even this much maintenance in an argument. Coach feels like the only time Rob wants to “bond with him is right before challenges which is cool and if that’s all you want…” I really think Coach would make out with Rob if he could. This pushes Rob to the edge with another interruption this time with a firm, “I’m not going to say anything more, you have to trust me.”
Subtext: We are not going to have make-up sex, and if you make a move on me, I will punch your lights out.
Rob assures him it’s all by design. And indeed it is. Rob needs Coach in the game as the pansy with the target on his back because if Coach is gone, that target is on Rob. Coach says he’s different than most people. One of a kind. I write him this note to pass during History class tomorrow: Coach, you’re not alone. There are many more just like you. They live in a place called West Hollywood.
As fantastically entertaining as all of this was, I need the rest of this episode to be Coach-free. Please Survivor Gods. Let him just disappear for the next 45 minutes.
Reward Challenge is Grease Bowling Basketball. Winners get crap they picked from a Sears catalog. Little do they know, Sears went out of business and they’re getting squat. The object is to slide down belly first to a numbered ball and throw it into a basket.
Round #1 Coach vs. Tom – No feathers! Nicely done, Coach! For that, you win this round and a point.
Round #2 Russell Baggins vs. Cirie – Clearly, Cirie never had a Slip-N-Slide as a child. Russell glides down the alley, while Cirie just decides to crawl. Villains score.
Round #3 Courtney vs. Craft Service Candace – It’s a close slide down to the ball, but Craft Service Candace owns this round putting the Heroes on the board.
Round #4 Lady Dragon Slayer vs. Amanda – Amanda gets to the ball first effortlessly looking to score but misses allowing Lady Dragon Slayer to take this round with the most amazing Granny throw I’ve seen in good long while. 3-1 Villains are up.
Round #5 Sandra vs. Lennie James – Outside of the obvious, Lennie James has an unfair advantage having been dipped in so much oil, you could cook on him. No contest. He destroys Sandra. If you were sitting next to me, you would see my best-shocked face.
What the hell is Tyson wearing? Who packs designer swim trunks to Survivor. He may want to accompany Coach on that trip to West Hollywood.
Round #6 Cha-Ka vs. Rupert – Prior to last week, Danielle had no business on this show and no place in my heart. But now, my beloved little Cha-Ka has won me over, and I can’t help but root for her! In this round these two bring new meaning to dropping the ball as neither can keep hold of theirs. Rupert gets it together finally and scores.
Round #6 Tyson vs. Cry Baby Colby – Out the gate I think CBC is intimated by those flashy drawers Tyson has on. Its neck and neck sliding down to the ball. After numerous throws from both, Tyson wins for the Villains! I’m ecstatic. I can’t stand Tyson, but I detest Cry Baby Colby so that trumps can’t stand.
Villains win reward! As they examine their loot back at camp, a mysterious note falls out of the knife sheath. Rob reads it aloud and its…a clue for a hidden immunity idol, what??? I did NOT see that coming. Man, 20 seasons in, and they know how to shake it up. The group discusses finding the idol and throwing it in the ocean. Russell Baggins nearly has a coronary.
Boston Rob leads the charge to ignore the idol and build a shelter with his new best girlfriend, Coach. Russell Baggins announces that he’s going to take a walk, but Boston Rob did not just fall off the turn-up truck, yo. He sends his minion, Sandra, to investigate. I love this moment.
Russell Baggins is digging around in the woods while Sandra is hunkered down spying. Mm-hm. She reports back from her recon, and there is a general consensus that he’s outta here. “He’s like the Hobbit on crack,” says Boston Rob. Rob’s a little slow, not knowing Russell’s last name is Baggins like I knew.
Over at Camp Losers, the Heroes find their Immunity Idol clue hidden in their Folgers can. They all scatter looking around, but that fair playing Tom finds it first unbeknownst to anyone. Well not quite. Amanda notices Tom shove it in his sock. Amanda spreads the word, but that Tom he is tricky! He knows that she knows and they know. He tells Cry Baby Colby who is just grinning from ear to ear at their good fortune to get back in the game.
The Immunity Challenge is the Helen Keller Ball Rolling Maze contest. Tom and Boston Rob are strapped into big balls that look a lot like Lois’ toys. There’s one in my bed as I type this, I’m sure, but without a little tiny Boston Rob inside. Blindfolded Rupert and Lennie James push Tom, and Rob is left to instruct Tyson and his best girlfriend, Coach. Thank the Survivor Gods he’s blindfolded because I don’t think he could concentrate seeing Rob in bondage. Villains take the lead. Blind as bats, Russell Baggins, Lady Dragon Slayer, Cha-Ka, and Parvati are working the maze. There’s some blindfolded Heroes working on the maze too, but why mention them because they LOSE!! Villains take it again.
Back at Losers Camp, Cirie and Craft Service Candace break down the scenario of voting off Tom or Cry Baby Colby in the event Tom uses the idol. JT and Amanda discuss the vote, and JT wants that crafty Craft Service Candace out of here! And really people, that is what needs to happen. The tribe is getting pummeled in challenges making Tom and Cry Baby Colby two big assets. And the Craft Service truck has been in complete chaos since Candace was pulled off of it and thrown into the game, so it’s a win-win for the players and the crew of Survivor if she goes.
Tom makes the move and approaches Amanda and JT going as far as offering to give them the Immunity Idol if they align with him and Cry Baby Colby. They bite and get Lennie James on board and like that Craft Service Candace is on the block. Amanda tips Cirie off to the new plan. Cirie is no way no how on board with this and makes a good argument to stick with the plan of getting rid of Tom. Truly, Tom and Cirie are amazing players at this game. I venture to guess Cirie is going to win this round against Tom.
JT reports back to Tom. I have no idea what he’s saying but thankfully Tom recaps it all: Cirie is the puppet master. JT suggest a plan to get rid of her but it requires him to flip on his alliance. Damn this is going to be good! So we’ve gone from Tom to Cry Baby Colby to Craft Service Candace to Tom to Cirie in minutes. And it all rests on JT.
Tribal Council is a bunch of smoke and mirrors about alliances. Jeff grills Rupert about the logic of his voting strategy: keeping his word vs. keeping the team strong enough to beat the Villains. This is truly the only worthwhile thing to come out of Tribal. I’m as shocked as Jeff at this rational. At this point in the game before the merge, you’re only chance of survival is muscle.
It’s time to vote and Craft Service Candace drops one to Tom, Tom drops one to Cirie, and JT writes a “C.” Cirie or Colby, Cirie or Colby, what’s a Southern boy to do! Before Jeff can read the votes, Tom springs the Immunity Idol out to play. Its curious that Jeff didn’t make the typical announcement of “if anyone has the Immunity Idol they must play it now” speech that is normal before the votes are read. I just sounded like the biggest Survivor Nerd ever.
Three votes instantly for Tom but they do not count. The next two go for Colby, but then the next two are for Cirie . They’re playing the blindside music so it has to be Cirie. And sure enough the next vote is for our beloved Cirie, heart included on the parchment.
Now let’s be clear, Tom and Cry Baby Colby drive me bananas but this was the right choice. Cirie was the strongest non-muscle player. Had I been there, I would have voted the same.
Her Best H vs. V Moment: “I’m Oprah in a gansta suit.”
Her Worst H vs. V Move: Flappin her lips too much when the vote tide was moving. With Craft Service Candace on the block, Cirie needed to pull a page out of Sandra’s playbook: as long as it’s not me.
Next Week: Looks like Tyson’s coaching Coach has gone out the window. Not only is Coach doing Tai Chi in public, the whole damn tribe is doing it with him. And a medical emergency! Please, don’t let anyone be removed. It’s so anticlimactic when that happens.
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