I Heart Survivor: Survivor Heroes Vs. Villains Week #2

Now that the high of a new edition of Survivor has left me, I’m able to take my beer goggles off and see who actually is in the cast. I’m shocked. Where is Bobby Jon Drinkard?? Ozzy?? How can this be Heroes vs. Villains without the real life Mowgli? I would have easily traded out Tom and JT for the mere fact they are both previous winners. And really folks…Candace? I defy anyone to tell me what she did during her season that made her cream of the crop. I clearly missed that season of Survivor Baywatch. My absolute dream would be to have my beloved Gretchen from Season 1. She is one the biggest Heroes in the show’s history. Her dismissal was the shot heard around Probst’s dimples. I’m still not over it. Rumor has it though that she declined All Stars, so not a big surprise she isn’t here. A boy can dream.

Over at the Villain’s camp “Boston Bob” (bless you Sandra) is ready to burst dealing with his group of buffoons. Courtney foreshadows the doom we already know is going to happen. “I hope he doesn’t drop dead in the next few days cause we’ll all die. “ Shut your friggin trap Courtney! I consider this proclamation to be along the lines of whoever smelt it dealt it. She basically cursed him and is responsible for whatever evil is about to happen in the woods.

Is that Randy? What the?? I thought this was Heroes vs. Villains, not Heroes vs. Grumpy Old Men. Who the hell cast this show? I would have taken John, Jonathan, or Shane easily over that grouch.

Over in the Heroes camp its business as usual. Trees are coming down, James’ abs are growing, and I still can’t understand a word JT says. “Let Coolby cut at er mark der net more need ‘em.” Rupert mills around doing absolutely nothing talking about how great it is to be on a tribe that works. It’s all quickly coming back to me how much Rupert drives me bananas. It’s only a matter of time before we have to listen to him talk about what an outcast he is blah, blah, blah, everyone hates me, blah, blah, I wear tie dyed shirts and eat worms. Stephanie’s on to him and can smell the assassination plot all over him amongst other things.

Over at the Villains camp, the music tells me that Rob is about to take a turn for the worst. Meanwhile, Courtney wonders why the Hero camp got every awesome guy, and they got…Randy? I take a moment to write a note that I’ll pass to her in Chemistry class tomorrow: Dear Courtney, you’re a bitch. Bitches are Villains. Awesome guys are Heroes. Those two are on opposite teams. XO

Boston Rob starts walking into the woods like an old dog looking for a place to die. I hug Lois at this point.

Suddenly the camera goes all crazy and blurry and crashes to the ground! I didn’t know Rob had a camera on his hat. Lady Dragon Slayer finds him and stands over him begging him to open his eyes. All he can say is GET…HELP.

It’s at this point that I’m wondering, do the Survivor cameramen have strict orders to keep rolling no matter what?? I can imagine Mark Burnett at a production meeting, “hey guys, even if you find a contestant passed out in the woods, keep rolling. Someone will eventually come by. Don’t interfere!”

There’s something odd about this whole thing now. I feel slightly manipulated to feel like this is bigger than it actually is. Lady Dragon Slayer and Rob feel like they’re doing a scene from a high school production of West Side Story. When the theme song from the “Young and the Restless” starts to play I’m really suspect. And just to make sure I’m really on the edge of my seat, going into the commercial break Jeff Probst screams out “Coming up next” as Rob guzzles down some water and whimpers, “I feel like…it’s getting the best of me.” Damn that was good. If he doesn’t get an Emmy nomination for that, I will eat my chest hair.

And then we get the whole scene.

Rob: (in a sweet innocent, almost seductive voice) I’m sorry

Jeff: Why are you sorry?

Rob: I feel like…it’s getting the best of me. And I love and respect it too much…to not play…you now. I’m gonna win this game…watch this.

The words. That close up. Those eyes. The tears. IT’S FANTASTIC! Top five Survivor moment EVER. I watched it four times and laughed three. The first time my mouth was just agape. Along with the flu and cry babyitis, Rob is merely suffering from being nice. I had that once before but it only gave me diarrhea. Rob acknowledges that the game is not easy; it’s been six years.

Subtext: Damn, why did I eat all of those Krispy Kremes for the past six years?

Colby are you watching this?

I didn’t want to say but I knew Rob was going to be fine. If you watch the opening credits, Rob’s all caked in mud doing some challenge we haven’t seen yet. SUCKERS! And here’s another spoiler folks…Lady Dragon Slayer looks to be with us for at least a few weeks as well from the looks of her opening shot. There’s also a clue that tells me she might be The Mole.

At the challenge, Jeff announces that Tyson, Coach, and JT all did this challenge in their season. The Heroes decide their game plan is to listen to JT since he knows the challenge. Listen to him?? These guys are screwed. JT rattles off something about a puzzle and immunity and a bottom line. That’s all I can make out. I’m giddy. These tools would have a better shot with Helen Keller giving them orders.

The challenge is rolling big boxes to make a stair puzzle. The highlight is Coach yelling at Lady Dragon Slayer as they push their cube. Their first argument. Ain't love grand.

But no matter, those Villains are unstoppable! Once again they come from behind and win immunity. The Heroes are dejected sitting in the reality that none of them can spell or understand Hillbilly.

Going into break James is up in arms against Stephanie spouting off about how she was the last woman standing on a team that all got voted off during her season. He makes it sound all voodoo like, and I half believe him. Kill the witch! Secretly, I’m thinking its Broken Toe Rupert that’s getting the walkin papers this week.

Back at camp the Heroes are all finger pointing. Thank God someone in production finally had the decency to subtitle JT. I’m convinced James MUST be a fan of Friday Night Lights cause he gives a shit kickin half time locker room pep talk that would have brought a tear to Coach Taylor’s eye.

Over in the Villain camp, Boston Rob’s gums are flappin as he plops down a clam making his claim as cock of the walk. Russell won’t stand for that so King Samoa goes Lord of the Flies on a chicken and presents the bloody mess to the group. Coach won’t be out done by either so he just pees on the chicken and clam hoping that’s enough to give him the power.

The Heroes are nuts in their Alliances. I mean for the love! JT is up to something but there are no subtitles this time to tell me what the hell he is saying. James won’t shut up about Stephanie’s curse and the saddest moment ever is watching Colby’s face listening to Tom conspire. You can tell reality has set in; he drew the Sloppy Seconds Alliance Stick. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Tina Wesson absolutely deserved the money in Australia! She was the brains in that outfit.

Cirie and Candace are the swing votes. Tom makes a fairly logical plea to Candace. Candace admits that really she is at the bottom of either side she chooses which proves my suspicion: she has never played this game and is actually the Craft Service Lady they pulled out of the truck at the last minute when Gretchen didn’t show up.

At tribal council James and Stephanie are going at. Quite frankly, I like James less and less with every word he says. I sort of gasp out loud when Colby speaks up and see the Grim Reaper sitting next to him. It might have been the Blair Witch or Tina dressed up like the Blair Witch, too dark to tell. Tom gets in on it, which is somewhat admirable, but everything he says is frosted in self-love. I’m really hating all the heroes right now except Cirie.

Votes are flying left and right for Amanda and Stephanie, and I’m on the edge of my seat to see what Cirie and Craft Service Lady decided. Stephanie gets the boot. She tries to give some parting advice. (Gag) My eyes begin to roll in the back of my head and I’m shocked when I open my mouth to speak and it sounds a lot like James saying “keep your mouth shut.” James is the winner clearly having saved rooster blood from last week’s killing and used some New Orleans magic to rid the tribe from the Curse of Stephanie. Don’t forget folks, he’s a gravedigger so he knows how to put ‘em under.