I Heart Survivor: Survivor Hero vs. Villains Week #9

I am not looking forward to watching this week’s episode AT ALL. After last week’s preview of the dumbest moves in Survivor history followed by a tease of JT suggesting to the Hero tribe to give the idol to Russell Baggins…someone better get me a Xanax. As a side note, JT is an idiot. He won this game before by just being a good old boy that people liked. This time around he’s actually trying to think which has proven to be a huge mistake. JT, if you’re reading this, stick to being pretty. Stop using your brain.

Here we go.

In the aftermath of the slaying of the Dragon Slayer, Sandra is pleased as the spiked punch that Russell’s been slipping everybody that she got Coach ousted with the best smoke and mirrors move yet this season. The Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer is freakin out. Not liking the feel of that bed you bought from the devil, eh Jeri? Should have gone with the Craftmatic Adjustable that Boston Rob was offering. That’s all I’m saying. Chaka promises that she isn’t voting her out next. For those of you who forget who Chaka is, see below the photo that brings me so much joy:

And I trust her like I trust a gaggle of Sleestaks. But of course Jeri believes her because what else is she going to do? Be smart and get Russell out? Russell Baggins also swears that she isn’t going next; his target is on Sandra and Courtney. Russell still believes that Coach was gunning for him, which pleases me to no end. The playa done got played, and I’m hoping Sandra has a few more tricks up her sleeve.

Tree mail is all about the Reward Challenge: rank your players strongest to weakest. Opposing players will be pitted against each other in an endurance contest. Russell Baggins of course says he’s the strongest, but Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer presents an interesting strategy to put all women in, as they have small feet. I’ll go with this. I have small feet. Over at the Hero camp, Rupert makes a bold statement that he will be able to do great at this challenge. With raised eyebrows all around, JT speaks up with “the bigger you are the harder it is.” Rupert takes none too kindly to be called fat stating to the camera that he thinks he’s the strongest of all eleven left. This makes me guffaw. The fumes from the tie-dye have clearly taken effect on him. JT makes the small feet case to his tribe, too. I can't wait to see Rupert crumble in this challenge.

At the challenge, the Heroes are shocked that Coach is gone. Jeff stirs the pot asking JT and Rupert what their reaction to this is. Both are verbal about the “women’s alliance” on the other tribe. Russell Baggins listens looking like he just ate Tweety Bird.

The first team to three points wins a feast from Outback Steakhouse. All you have to do is outlast your match-up. The match-ups are:

Chaka vs. Craft Service Candace

Courtney vs. Amanda

Parvati vs. JT

Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer vs. Cry Baby Colby (this one is a true Survivor moment. Jeri is a little giddy, and Colby could just cry.)

Rupert vs. Sandra (another great match-up of a duo from a previous season.)

During the challenge Jeff announces that today marks the 100^th day Amanda has played Survivor. This truly is amazing. Having reached the 100 mark, I wonder if they’ll put her in syndication? Ten minutes in, everyone is still in it moving down to the next smallest rung. Sandra is hoping for the win cause she loves her some Outback. Her and the mister went there TWICE in a whole week before he was shipped out to Afghanistan. Twice! That is a wild couple. If that’s what they did before he was shipped off to war, I wonder what an anniversary looks like?

During the challenge, JT continues his odd man crush on Russell Baggins. He mouths a “hang in there” over to Russell Baggins who is sitting this one out. I puke. Good night, this guy is an idiot. He’s getting less pretty too because let’s face it folks, stupid people just aren’t good looking after awhile. Russell Baggins puts it on thick.

I can’t believe JT is falling for this charade. Ridiculous.

Going down to the third and final rung, all players are still in. Cry Baby Colby starts wobbling all over the place. His clown can't handle the pressure, and he drops unable to take the heat in the Manthey kitchen. Jeri scores. Colby cries. Get a pedicure for the love.

Rupert is pouring sweat while Sandra brags about having had two natural “berfs” without even an aspirin. She looks like she could stay there for days, but no need since she manages to outlast the strongest player left out of all eleven. Suck it Rupert. Sandra not only kicked your ass, she could go “one more minute.” Villains 2, Heroes nada.

Soon after, Amanda drops down and Courtney scores! This may be the first time Courtney actually assisted in a win. Villains are getting some steak. JT shakes Russell Baggins’ hand with a “hang in there buddy” on his way out. I can’t handle this. JT please…you’re mind is not a terrible thing to waste. Consider not using it.

At the Outback feast, the Villains toast their victory. JT is disguised as the bartender but no one seems to care. Oh well.

While eating their salads, Parvati finds a hidden Immunity Idol clue in her napkin, but is able to stuff it in her underwear unbeknownst to anyone else. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time in her life she has had to pull a stunt like this. The girls jabber on about how the Heroes are convinced that there is an all girl alliance. I’m really hoping that Courtney and Sandra catch a clue at some point that it would be in their best interest to tip the Heroes off to what is really going on.

Parvati excuses herself to pee, as does Chaka, dutifully following the female code that no woman should ever go to the bathroom alone. Parvati shows Chaka what was hidden in her underwear. All Chaka can say is:

I have a feeling that this isn't the first time Parvati has gotten this response after showing someone what's hiding in her underwear.

Parvati explains to the camera that her goal in showing Chaka the clue was to make her feel connected to her so that in the end of the game she will protect her over Russell Baggins. As added measure to make her really feel special, she let’s Chaka hide the clue in her boobs. Now that’s trust.

Over at the Heroes camp, JT crows that he doesn’t need a steak dinner since he’s had thousands. But it’s all a lie. He admits to the camera that he’s joonzing for the beef. He lives off the beef working on a cattle ranch and is going nuts. Mad to be exact. He drops the bomb to the tribe that he has a "plan" after the next challenge. If they win, he wants to give Russell the idol wrapped up with a note instructing him to vote out Parvati. JT has obviously contracted Mad Cow’s Disease from the thousands of steak dinners. Thankfully, Amanda speaks the true word that they have no idea what’s going on over at the Villains' camp but alas only to the camera. She confides in Craft Service Candace how crazy this plan could be to give Russell the idol; however, Candace presents the angle that in doing so at least the idol would be away from JT.

The next morning over at the Villains camp, Parvati and Chaka meet covertly to search for the idol. As Chaka reads the clue, I’m struck by the notion that this poor clue has been in Parvati’s pants and down Chaka’s buff. There is some Survivor nerd out there who would pay thousands of dollars on eBay to own that little piece of paper. The girls find the Idol in no time without any intention of telling Russell Baggins.

Back at the Hero Camp, JT sits on a stump penning his letter to Santa Clause, I mean Russell Baggins. This segment provides some real gems. The production team had to be giddy over this stuff. Take a moment and let it wash over you again. Just take it all in...

Go ahead…treat yourself and read a little of this gem.

Now go back and read it again. I mean really read it. Take it in. Its reality TV bliss.

He reads it aloud to the rest of the tribe who all seem a little too nonchalant lounging around watching the biggest blunder unfold before their very eyes. They’re as dumb as he is. Not realizing the true weight of what he is saying, Cry Baby Colby says:

Yes, Cry Baby, yes it is. We'll be talking about this for years.

“It could work ya’ll, if that works it would be incredible.” JT, the only thing incredible is that I completely understood you. I’m wondering if he can hear himself. JT…if that works it would be incredible but…keep going now…you can do it…but…if it doesn’t work…then…

Oh forget it. I think I just realized what’s wrong here. JT can’t understand himself when he talks. It’s the only logical explanation why is own words aren’t reaching his brain…unless there isn’t really a...

OH. MY. Did I just see what I think I saw?

Now I’m giddy for Russell Baggins to get this note. I can’t wait!!! JT ends the note with a P.S. I WOULD ALSO LOVE TO HAVE A BRAND NEW RADIO FLYER. I officially can’t stand JT more than Russell. Stupid trumps evil.

Immunity Challenge is oh for the frickin love a puzzle. Pretty soon they’re just going to sit and do a Sudoku for Immunity. Teams must individually carry puzzle pieces through the ocean that are tethered to a line. Yawn. Jeri and Rupert take the course first. Rupert pulls ahead of the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer getting his bag of puzzle pieces in first. This gives JT a huge lead over Chaka in the next round. JT gets across sending Amanda out on the course. She nearly catches up with Chaka. Chaka crosses the line sending out Parvati. Amanda quickly gets through sending out Craft Service Candace. But all of this really matters just so Cry Baby Colby has the opportunity to talk to Russell Baggins while the two wait to take the course. He asks Russell if he’s going home tonight. Russell shakes his head. Colby instructs him to go see JT after the challenge. Russell plays it up asking who he should get rid of. Parvati. Amazing. Russell Baggins is the worst actor by the way, but laying it on thick doesn’t seem to faze JT or Colby in this moment.

And all Russell Baggins can say is “wow.”

Cry Baby Colby gets the last bag in for the Heroes. Russell is last on the course moving suspiciously slow. I suspect on purpose. After the Heroes easily win Immunity, he goes straight to JT for the hand-off. Witness the dumbest move ever in Survivor history. Ever. Russell is amazed himself that he doesn’t even have to find idols anymore; people are giving them to him.

After the challenge, JT is preening in the success of his plan. Rupert goes on and on about how Russell is probably beaming right now unable to contain himself. Oh Rupert. You’re going to hate this segment when you watch this later. Russell is beaming bigger than the sun.

Over at the Villain camp, Russell Baggins shows the letter to Parvati. She reads it out loud which is one of the most delicious moments this season. JT is such a moron. This letter becomes more and more iconic, and Parvati’s reading is better than any book on tape you could possibly hear.

And right when you think you’ve heard it all and can’t get any more ridiculous:

Come on! Is JT thirteen??? I don’t know how they did it, but I’m now ok if Russell Baggins or Parvati wins. The Heroes should all be sent to Ponderosa immediately! Parvati sums it up accurately. JT gave his heart to Russell. Russell is going to stab it in pieces. Parvati is going to eat it. This segment is just chalk full of good stuff. It ends with the million-dollar statement: “I can’t believe that kid won.”

Meanwhile, Sandra and Courtney take the death march together. They know time is running out for one of them. It makes Sandra really sad since Sandra without Courtney is like rice without beans. I’ve learned so much about Sandra this episode.

Courtney makes a plea to Parvati to keep her. She offers that she can be more valuable in the merge because she has Amanda’s trust. Parvati is convinced she can control Courtney more over Sandra, so she finds an opportunity to present the idea to Russell Baggins, Chaka, and Jeri even though Russell has already declared Courtney as the next to go. Russell Baggins shows Jeri and Chaka the gift from Mad Cow JT and also considers Parvati’s case to keep Courtney. No one even talks about blindsiding Russell. What is wrong with these people?

At Tribal Council, Coach strolls in like he just stepped off the set of Shogun. There’s a big discussion about trust. Sandra states she knows she and Courtney are on the block. Chaka brings the most entertainment attempting to answer Jeff’s question why Sandra isn’t trustworthy. Jeff is quick to point out that her examples of not trusting Sandra really is just frustration that she isn’t doing what she wants. Chaka tries to play the “you wouldn’t talk to me card” but Sandra is like a ghetto Matlock. She’s all over her. I’m guessing Chaka did not do well in debate class. Sandra is straightforward: she and Rob were just like Chaka and Parvati…and Parvati is the boss.

Russell Baggins brings to light the most startling truth to the trust conversation. If you truly trust your alliance, you’ll make it in the game. Case in point, Russell, Parvati, and Chaka were three that trusted each other and made it through past the other alliance that had the numbers against them. I have to give him props here. He’s right.

Courtney gets in on the action agreeing with Russell’s statement pointing out that Jeri flipped on their alliance faster than she could which is why Courtney is on the block. Jeri, proving herself again to be a coward, is quick to say she was never part of any alliance. Courtney calls bullshit but is willing to rephrase her statement: “you voted for Parvati, you voted against the alliance you’re in now.” That seemed to shut her up. Jeri has major issues with feeling bad about herself and her actions. She seems to conveniently forget her part in what has unfolded in the reign of Russell and Parvati.

Time to vote. I hear the Outback calling Sandra. Let’s tally the votes so she can get a bloomin onion. Jeri. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney. Folks, don’t take me to Vegas. You’ve been warned.

Courtney, the tribe has spoken.

And I thank God Coach has his legs crossed.

The Villains are now equal with the Heroes 5-5, and Parvati is a day away from going into syndication herself. On her way out, the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer gets a little lovin wink from her Dragon Slayer.