Survivor Heroes Vs. Villains Week #6

In the aftermath of Tom’s exit, things are down at Camp Losers. Lennie James offers Colby a hug. Really. He means it. But Cry Baby Colby would rather cry so he declines. Craft Service Candace confesses that she voted against Tom in order not to make waves in the tribe. I’m feeling like she is the only smart person on this tribe. Amanda doesn’t trust her because she was gunning for her beloved James so she wants her gone! Meanwhile, over at the Villains camp everyone is sawing logs except Boston Rob and Russell Baggins. These two are like sharks circling each other. Russell tries to throw down a truce, which of course is all just a rouse to get Rob’s guard down. In turn, Rob tries to make Russell paranoid by telling him the tribe is mad because he went looking for the idol. Now THIS is a pissing contest worth watching folks! I’m giddy.

Tree mail! Cry Baby Colby is suspicious of the vague mail, as its neither reward nor immunity. We know his spidey senses are accurate because this is a double elimination episode! Personally, I don’t like these but I’ll try to get over it. Ok, I’m over it. He’s also wondering how Lennie James will fair. And we all know the answer to this. He won’t. He’s toast. The Loser Heroes are going to go down…again.

At the challenge, the Villains are in disbelief that James is still there and Tom’s gone. Yes, Villains they are that dumb. Jeff drops a bomb on everyone; the challenge is individual immunity. Both tribes are heading to tribal tonight. The challenge is that old crazy rope maze. I feel like I’ve seen this one a thousand times. Please can anyone come up with something new? Each tribe will run the course separately for individual immunity, and then the two winners will square off to win weenies for their tribe. Heroes already have enough weenies on their tribe, so I’m pulling for the Villains.

Villains win the toss and force the Heroes to take the course first. It’s anyone’s game, except Cry Baby Colby and Rupert. The rest of the tribe including James all have the lead at various points. JT and Craft Service Candace pull ahead of the bunch, and its Candace to the finish first. Amazing. This is going to put a burr in Amanda’s fur.

The Villains take the course. It’s basically a race between Tyson, Rob, and Russell Baggins. I’m beside myself watching this with a pit in my stomach. I need Rob to win. I’ll puke if Russell does. I let out a huge whoop as Boston Rob wins immunity! Now get rid of Russell!!! I can’t wait for tribal now.

Rob and Craft Service Candace square off for the weenies. This time the course is twice as big and looks like a jungle gym. There are a lot of butt shots as these two flip through it, and some we really didn’t need to see and I’m sure the players would have rather had not shown.

Really CBS? You couldn’t have just omitted this? Help a sister out, for the love.

Candace’s blurred booty is no match for Boston Rob. He wins food for the Villains. Heading back to camp, Cry Baby Colby suspects that he has shed his last tear and will be going home tonight. But hey, who knows! (Lois has a better shot at winning Miss America than he has of sticking around.)

Boston Rob rallies the Villains back at camp. The plan is to vote out Parvati but make them think its Russell Baggins so he plays the idol. Rob’s best girlfriend, the Dragon Slayer, crows about being important since two alliances want him. But he is true blue and is stickin with Rob. We all know we can take this to the bank. I’m now ecstatic to be able to watch the rest of this episode without too much tension. But nooooo, just like that the tension in my stomach is back.

Rob gloats to Russell Baggins telling him its been real. He better have the idol cause he’s going home. It’s better to play with him than against him. That’s like taking a bat to beehive. Russell Baggins is pissed and kudos to him because he knows exactly what’s going on. He breaks it down for Chaka and Parvati: they’re trying to flush the idol out and blindside Parvati. Russell plans on giving the idol to Parvati and throwing a vote to Tyson. Dag gone this Hobbit! He drives me nuts.

Over at Camp Losers, Cry Baby Colby admits he has egg all over his face since Lennie James did better in the challenge with one leg than he did with two. Colby announces to the tribe the he knows he’s the one going home, so no need for scrambling just enjoy the afternoon. Interesting. I’m dumbfounded by this guy.

Lennie James shakes it down to Cry Baby. He needs to turn it on and start winning and stop being old sleepy-ass Colby who gets beat by a fat man and a cripple. AMEN BROTHER! James continues to state what I’ve been feeling from the start; this is not the Colby from Australia. “It’s like my Superman sucks.” Brilliant.

JT, Craft Service Candace, Amanda, and Rupert discuss getting rid of James over Colby. Whoa, I can’t believe this. I can’t even say that’s a good idea, since Cry Baby Colby is such a crybaby and does nothing. They discuss the pros and cons with James’ banana eating laid down as a major con. I’m totally shocked that Amanda is seemingly leading the charge against James.

She later takes him aside and spills the beans. He needs to show them he can run. James looks at her the same way I do. What the hell do you want him to do? Just start sprinting down the beach? She also tells him to lay off the bananas. He needs to adhere to banana etiquette: when you get one, you’re suppose to bring everyone in the class one. Duh. Was this guy raised by wolves? I thought everyone knew banana etiquette.

Lennie James initiates a round of the Hero Olympics. He challenges JT to a race. JT beats him handily even running it backwards pretty much the whole way. And then there’s Cry Baby Colby just floating in the water. Geesh. This is a tough one. Keep a lame competitor in a good body or keep a lame body on a good competitor. I have no idea what I would do here. I’d probably vote off Rupert. The man doesn’t blink, and it creeps me out.

Boston Rob comes around to the Villains to change up the plan. Three have to vote for Russell Baggins and three for Parvati in order to make sure they don’t backdoor them with the Idol. Good job Rob! But then Russell Baggins blows some hot air up Tyson telling him he’s going to vote Parvati. Tyson believe it and plans on flipping his vote to Parvati just to get her gone and have it be a straightforward vote. All he wants is to get some hot dog in his mouth. He’s going to get some hot dog all right but not in his mouth. Russell Baggins is about to screw him and this idiot has no idea. Russell confesses in an interview what they should do which is exactly Rob’s plan, be doesn’t think they’re smart enough to do it. As much as I hate Russell Baggins, he is a smart cookie. Tyson is an ass if he messes this up.

Tribal council is a flurry of sound bites. Sandra spills that Russell has the idol. Of course he plays dumb. There’s concern over Parvati’s connections to the Heroes. Tyson’s a threat because he’s charming. You either love Rob or hate him, which puts him at the center of constant controversy. Time to vote. Tyson, I will make you eat your designer shorts if you mess this up. So far everyone is voting according to plan but of course we don’t see Tyson’s vote. Sandra votes Russell and says he needs to get in the ocean and wash his ass. I love her.

I’m so frickin nervous. Jeff makes the announcement to play the idol if you have it. Russell Baggins gives it up! Rob grins from ear to ear. But Russell pulls the rug out from everyone and gives it to Parvati. Everyone is on edge. Votes start flying. Russell. Russell. I could vomit. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. Parvati. Does not count. In seconds we go from this…

to this…

Tyson your are an idiot. Tyson. Tyson. Tyson. He’s out and everyone is wearing confusion except Russell Baggins. Tyson admits he was a fool in his closing speech, along with “I’m still pretty awesome.” Last time I checked Tyson, turds weren’t awesome. How’s that hot dog feel?

His Best H vs. V Move: Aligning with Rob

His Worst H vs. V Move: Do I need to even say it?

The Villains start their weenie feast while the Loser Heroes file in. Lennie James brings up losing the race against JT today. Jeff targets Cry Baby Colby asking him if he can scramble to avoid getting the boot. Colby admits that he and James are the ones in question. And then James gives us one of the most amazing moments this season. It goes something like this:

“This is pretty much one of the baddest Survivors ever growing up…. He got slammed by the Dragon Slayer, today he got beat by a cripple and a fat dude on the obstacle course. Its like finding out Superman was in a big girdle. You see them muscles and you get up close and its nothing but a fat suit.”

Amazing.

Jeff asks Colby what its like to hear James say that its like seeing Superman is wearing a fat suit. Correction Jeff. A girdle. He needs the girdle first because it’s the only way he can get in the fat suit. Get it right. Colby admits that hearing it isn’t as bad as living the reality. He hasn’t performed as well as he hoped to. Did no one watch the All Stars??? The lug performed exactly the same. So in three outings, two have been the same dismal Cry Baby Colby.

The Villains are kicked out before the vote. Time to vote. Colby. James. James. What?? James. James. Get out. I’m stunned. Amanda stands and hugs him with an “I love you.” Get a room.

Damn. I’m stunned, but mostly because now I’m going to have to train Lois how to walk the runway and how to win a swimsuit competition.

His Best H vs. V Move: All those years of working out and creating that body. He s the only reason they can compete in challenges at all.

His Worst H vs. V Move: Getting hurt

Next week: Rob unleashes his wrath on Russell Baggins.

I cannot understand a word Lennie James says in his final words. I hear banana. Colby. Injured. This guy has been hanging around JT too much.

Survivor Heroes Vs. Villains Week #5

Hot off the dismissal of the Gansta Oprah, Cry Baby Colby lights up the dark with his teeth grinning ear to ear. He and Tom live to see another day. Again, I think this was the right choice, but he needs to step it up. This guy drives me nuts. Rupert is pissed, and I expect him to go all pirate on JT’s ass for flipping. The good old boy immediately makes sure the camp knows he did it for them, not for personal reasons. I actually think he’s telling the truth. It was the best thing for Camp Losers.

And just like that he makes me look like a jackass. JT confides in Amanda that he got rid of Cirie when he had the chance. So goes his “I didn’t do it for myself” speech, and thankfully Amanda recognizes it. I’m in awe of how Amanda sounds so important and so dull at the same time when she speaks. It’s quite a feat.

The opening credits are back! My eyes are pealed but this is all I can report in potential spoilers: there will be trees and water in coming episodes.

Well Tyson’s rules of coaching Coach seem to have gone clean out the window. Instead of flying under the radar, Coach flies over it, around it, and next to it by somehow getting the whole tribe to do some Dragon Slayer Chi with him. Gag. A few glances around the circle, and the rest of the tribe seems to be humoring the occasion. Coach rambles on about muscle control but it’s all bullshit since the Dragon Slayer Chi fails to control his biggest muscle: his mouth.

Russell Baggins uses the opportunity to look for the hidden Immunity Idol, and surprise he finds it. Really guys? You all know he’s looking for it so you just all decided to stand in a circle moaning until he finds it? Idiots. They should stop hiding these things and just give them to Russell.

Reward challenge is Grab the Pig Basketball with the victors winning a trip to chocolate heaven. Jeff passes around a plate to each tribe with a taste of what’s to come. The Villain women are all beside themselves inhaling the samples, while Camp Losers don’t even touch theirs. This creates a crazy weird atmosphere when Jeff calls out Cry Baby Colby asking why he appears annoyed at the samples. Why Jeff? Cause this Cry Baby wants to get to the challenge so he can lose and cry some more. After all, it’s what babies do best. Quite frankly, I think Jeff misinterpreted his look of annoyance for what appears to me to be a pinched look of constipation.

Cry Baby Colby tries to rush Jeff into starting the challenge, which pisses off Probst. He snaps at Cry Baby; he’ll start the challenge when he’s good and ready. I put my hand to my mouth because I don’t like these kinds of awkward moments. These two just need to take a moment to themselves, pull down their pants and decide who’s bigger without dragging the rest of us into these machismo shenanigans. Rupert says they’re just focused, and Russell Baggins chirps in something and it all gets weirder and weirder will somebody please start this challenge!

Villains sit out three women, and Camp Losers need to sit out a man. Cry Baby Colby volunteers. WHAT THE!? After all that? I need this guy shipped back to Texas pronto. The challenge is a free-for-all with three players on each side getting the oversized footballs and throwing them up to three other players on the platform trying to make the baskets. Lennie James takes what looks like a minor fall but it tweaks something in his leg sending Goliath to the ground. The giant tries to get up but can’t. Dang it, I hate it when people get injured on this show and are removed! It’s a buzz kill. He tries to walk it off but medical pulls him from the challenge. I thought Jeff would stick in Cry Baby but I think he’s still bitter over the opening bullying and having lost the Who’s Bigger Contest. He’s from Texas, Jeff, come on. Camp Losers continue on with one man down.

No matter. Tom is able to get two footballs to the throwers, and Amanda sinks one in. Camp Losers are on the board! Suddenly, this challenge turns to prison rules and gets ugly fast. JT is manhandled and drug over to the Villains side but Rupert makes a quick steal and gets the ball back to the Heroes. Without being anywhere near a football, JT and Coach start wrestling clearly settling their own score without a care for the challenge. Obviously, these two need to take a side moment as well.

It ends with a body slam to the ground from JT. Dragon Slayer down!

Moments later my jaw drops when Tyson scores just as Rupert flings Lady Dragon Slayer and face plants her into a post. Lady Dragon Slayer down! It’s like a Shakespearean tragedy of love.

Jeff stops the challenge. I expect blood to be pouring from the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer (that’s kinda fun to say) but miraculously, she arises intact. Rupert says he didn’t mean to do that. Show of hands who believes this one? (Lois put your paw down.)

Tie score. Who will die next? There’s a lot of scrambling and throwing and blocking and punching and kicking but finally a football thrown by none other than the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer scores. Sweet justice. Hey Rupert, I’m sure she didn’t mean to do that. I’m glad she won it for the team but the downside is after that hit to the face all of her teeth are going to fall out when she bites into that chocolate.

Medical wraps up Lennie James’ leg. Nothing broken, but he has stretched something. If he can walk, he can stay. Otherwise, another loser bites the dust. Meanwhile, the Villains are bathing in chocolate delights. I actually can’t imagine eating any of this stuff after being on such little food. Sure enough, the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer gums that she is in both chocolate euphoria and sickness. And she has indeed lost her teeth.

Swimming in a lagoon, the Villains discuss Russell Baggins knowing he must have the idol. Meanwhile, Russell Baggins is wining and dining Parvati and confides that he does have the idol. She’s stoked because the target has been on her to be the next one out. How Russell having the idol helps her, I have no idea because there’s no way in Middle Earth that he would ever give it to her. But he does tell her she can ride his coattails. She snaps back that she doesn’t ride coattails. I’m uncertain if they’re still talking about the game but no matter, their big plan is to get rid of Rob. They decide to try to sway Coach to the dark side. Coach is Rob’s best girlfriend so I’m intrigued to see how this is going to go down.

Coach is in awe that Russell Baggins has confided in him. Of course, his honor is conflicted. He wants to play the game with Rob but Russell told him a secret so clearly that means:

You like me! You really like me!

Coach gets down on one knee and there’s talk about knights, and monumental is thrown around all while Russell Baggins begins to reel in Coach who’s so excited that he fails to feel the big hook in his mouth.

If Rob goes before Russell Baggins I will eat one of Lois’ hairballs.

All the Losers at Camp Losers are worried about Lennie James except Tom. He sees it as a potential advantage to get rid of him. Amanda is in tears over it, and Cry Baby Colby is pissed at her because there can be only one cry baby on the team and she’s steppin on his block. Lennie James comes hobbling into camp. It would be a tragedy if he went, as Amanda reminds us, because he’s already previously left the game from injury. I don’t see how he can gimp his way through this one.

Lennie James lies around resting in the hut with Craft Service Candace and Amanda. Amanda asks, “In order to get an MRI what would you have to do?” Craft Service Candace answers the question for him as her eyes do the same thing mine do. “Leave.” Amanda responds with a sincere, “oh wow.” Really Amanda? Clearly, she thought Lennie James would be able to hobble down to the Urgent Care Hut. But thanks anyway for providing the rest of us with the memory of hearing the dumbest question ever to be asked on Survivor.

The Immunity Challenge is Blindfolded Puzzle Race. What’s with the blindfolds AGAIN? Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer and Lennie James are the callers for their respective tribes. The rest of the tribes are paired up left to find random puzzle pieces and bring them back to base. It’s sweet to see Tom and Cry Baby Colby hold hands. Really sweet. Really.

There’s a lot of bumping and tripping and toes stubbed. Poor Boston Rob seems to be taking the hardest knocks from this challenge.

Hit...

After hit…

But he finally comes up with a good strategy on how to keep himself and his future children intact.

The tribes are neck and neck with one piece left. Lennie James begins to lose his voice which makes me laugh and terrified all at the same time. He begins to sound possessed by a demon as he tries to get Rupert and Craft Service Candace to get the last piece and bring it home. If his head starts spinning, I’m outta here. Thankfully, the Heroes get their last piece first and start building the puzzle. They have a lead but…well you know how this goes. The Villains win their fourth Immunity Challenge out of five.

If there is a chance that the entire Heroes team could be voted off at tribal, I would be all for it. Since that won’t happen, back at camp Lennie James makes a case that he’s more valuable injured than Tom, but come on now. Lennie James has to be the one to go. Really, he does.

In the aftermath of their defeat, the Losers have one of the most amusing exchanges this season. Tom chimes in that clearly the Villains can beat them at puzzles. And shooting baskets Cry Baby Colby adds. Or pretty much everything except…sumo wrestling JT says. Colby closes it with a “pretty much.” That’s good TV right there.

The plotting starts with Tom and Cry Baby Colby aiming votes at Lennie James. JT is conflicted because logically he should vote out James, but he can’t do something snaky two weeks in a row and vote against his Alliance. He hasn’t really thought it through all the way because if he does vote with Tom and Colby against James, well his alliance is pretty much gone. As in not in the game. All gone home, JT. Nobody left because you will be destroyed without physical power. Rupert is dead set against voting out James once again proving that he has no need for a million dollars. If I were on this show, my strategy would be to find out what Rupert is doing, then do the complete opposite. Guaranteed Sole Survivor. Craft Service Candace thinks voting Tom is a bad idea. Rupert immediately conspires with Amanda and thinks about turning it on Candace, all reminiscent of what happened last week when Cirie got the boot for opening her mouth. JT is all over the place but then seems to sway more toward siding with Tom. Well that is until he looks Rupert in the eye and says he’s going to vote Tom out. Cry Baby Colby breaks it all down for us: JT is wishy-washy. Finally, this guy’s head is in the game. He said something smart.

At tribal council, the hot topic is Lennie James. Jeff says currently his niece could beat James in a race. James says hell no and claims he could beat Jeff. Jeff, you already lost this contest with Colby do you really think you can beat James? There are no moves to take a side moment to settle this. Good move Probst.

Talk turns to what went wrong at the challenge. Lennie James throws the blame toward Tom and Craft Service Candace. She deflects it stating he’s trying to blame them because he knows they want to vote him out. Well played Craft Service, well played. The fingers start pointing all over with none of it really making rational sense. Tom addresses that he thinks he’s the one going home tonight but makes a final plea to keep him around for the sake of the team’s strength. Lennie James chimes in and offers a guilt free deal to everyone: vote him out if you think Tom will do better. Do it JT, do it!! This is the only chance you’ll get to double cross Lennie James without getting your neck snapped.

Time to vote. The first two go Tom’s direction, but then the next two to James. This could go either way, and I don’t have a gut sense. Incidentally, my gut has been wrong this whole season so probably better that I not make a guess. Next vote Tom. Yikes! And last vote Tom. Out he goes proudly carrying the Marquis of Queensbury Rules with him.

I’ve never been a fan of Tom’s but this was a huge mistake. The Heroes officially pose no threat to the Villains and will lose from here on out. Since that’s my gut, there is a chance that they will now win every challenge. I doubt it.

His Best H vs. V Move: Trying to align with JT. Two previous winners at the end is the only way either one could win.

His Worse H vs. V Move: Not leaving his ego at home

In two weeks on Wednesday (set your DVR’s!): Russell Baggins vs. Boston Rob, a Thunderdome exclusive.

In the closing words, I’m shocked to see that Craft Service Candace voted against Tom. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Survivor Heroes Vs. Villains Week #4

Tonight I lasted roughly 17 seconds before I sent out the Search and Rescue Team for my eyeballs that rolled into the back of my head. Day 8 in the Villains Camp, Coach is boo-hooing about Sandra’s comments at tribal council. Coach is sensitive; more sensitive than most people. I think by “most people” he means most teenage girls at their first middle school dance. But hey, he hides that sensitivity behind what he has accomplished and a lot of machismo, heavy accent on the cheese.

Grab a life vest folks because we know from last week’s preview that the waterworks are coming. And boy do they come. Coach confides in Tyson. The invisible word bubble above his head says, “Coach, you’re full of shit” as Coach drones on and on about not deserving what Sandra said. Really? All of this drama from that comment? Coach is beside himself because he does noble things and no ones says anything nice about him. After all he is the only one out there who won’t compromise. Clearly, he rolled up the Marquis of Queensbury Rules and smoked it. If only Tom and Cry Baby Colby were around, but alas he’s stuck with Tyson who handles this amazingly well. He gives Coach not one but two hugs. Coach goes in for a kiss but Tyson pulls back; his heart belongs to JT.

Tyson offers to help coach him through it, but he’s going to say some things that Coach may not like. Tyson you sly devil you. Coaching the Coach! Coach can’t help but bite on Tyson's offer to give him so much personal attention. And here’s Tyson’s Coach Containment plan:

1. No feathers in your hair at tribal

2. Don’t tell your stories, people don’t believe your stories, they mock you. (Tyson included)

3. Do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you

I can’t help but believe these are all the things that drive Tyson up a wall most about Coach. He maneuvers beautifully, desperate to keep Coach as part of the team but reeling him in all in one move. Coach's response to the list:

No way, no how can Coach handle that much anonymity.

I’m intrigued that this is the second week in a row that the opening credits have been omitted. I think Mark Burnett got wind of me spilling the beans about what I noticed on Boston Rob and Lady Dragon Slayer’s opening pictures a few weeks ago.

The next morning while Coach is on a Walkabout, Tyson spills the beans about Coach's breakdown to the camp. Everyone’s dazed. Boston Rob can’t believe it. Again, how and why these people are shocked about anyone’s behavior is beyond me. W-A-T-C-H-T-H-E-P-R-E-V-I-O-U-S-S-E-A-S-O-N-S-D-U-M-B-A-S-S-E-S. Coach is acting no different than he did the last time he was on this show.

The only thing more brilliant than Tyson’s manipulation of Coach is watching Mastermind Merino step in. Boston Rob takes Coach aside. Coach starts whining about wanting to bond more with Rob. I can barely watch this because I’m so embarrassed, but thankfully Rob interrupts and won’t let Coach get to the part where he asks Rob out. He instantly assures Coach that he’s not on the outside and proves his words with a triple seal: a knuckle punch, a handshake, and a hug. (Pats included) But Coach isn’t shut down that easily. He wants to sharpen each other and do stuff together. Gross. Rob clamps it down again with a “you’re going to have to trust me, literally trust me and you’ll be fine.” But noooooooooo, Coach can’t stop. It’s unbelievable. I’m guessing Amber isn’t even this much maintenance in an argument. Coach feels like the only time Rob wants to “bond with him is right before challenges which is cool and if that’s all you want…” I really think Coach would make out with Rob if he could. This pushes Rob to the edge with another interruption this time with a firm, “I’m not going to say anything more, you have to trust me.”

Subtext: We are not going to have make-up sex, and if you make a move on me, I will punch your lights out.

Rob assures him it’s all by design. And indeed it is. Rob needs Coach in the game as the pansy with the target on his back because if Coach is gone, that target is on Rob. Coach says he’s different than most people. One of a kind. I write him this note to pass during History class tomorrow: Coach, you’re not alone. There are many more just like you. They live in a place called West Hollywood.

As fantastically entertaining as all of this was, I need the rest of this episode to be Coach-free. Please Survivor Gods. Let him just disappear for the next 45 minutes.

Reward Challenge is Grease Bowling Basketball. Winners get crap they picked from a Sears catalog. Little do they know, Sears went out of business and they’re getting squat. The object is to slide down belly first to a numbered ball and throw it into a basket.

Round #1 Coach vs. Tom – No feathers! Nicely done, Coach! For that, you win this round and a point.

Round #2 Russell Baggins vs. Cirie – Clearly, Cirie never had a Slip-N-Slide as a child. Russell glides down the alley, while Cirie just decides to crawl. Villains score.

Round #3 Courtney vs. Craft Service Candace – It’s a close slide down to the ball, but Craft Service Candace owns this round putting the Heroes on the board.

Round #4 Lady Dragon Slayer vs. Amanda – Amanda gets to the ball first effortlessly looking to score but misses allowing Lady Dragon Slayer to take this round with the most amazing Granny throw I’ve seen in good long while. 3-1 Villains are up.

Round #5 Sandra vs. Lennie James – Outside of the obvious, Lennie James has an unfair advantage having been dipped in so much oil, you could cook on him. No contest. He destroys Sandra. If you were sitting next to me, you would see my best-shocked face.

What the hell is Tyson wearing? Who packs designer swim trunks to Survivor. He may want to accompany Coach on that trip to West Hollywood.

Round #6 Cha-Ka vs. Rupert – Prior to last week, Danielle had no business on this show and no place in my heart. But now, my beloved little Cha-Ka has won me over, and I can’t help but root for her! In this round these two bring new meaning to dropping the ball as neither can keep hold of theirs. Rupert gets it together finally and scores.

Round #6 Tyson vs. Cry Baby Colby – Out the gate I think CBC is intimated by those flashy drawers Tyson has on. Its neck and neck sliding down to the ball. After numerous throws from both, Tyson wins for the Villains! I’m ecstatic. I can’t stand Tyson, but I detest Cry Baby Colby so that trumps can’t stand.

Villains win reward! As they examine their loot back at camp, a mysterious note falls out of the knife sheath. Rob reads it aloud and its…a clue for a hidden immunity idol, what??? I did NOT see that coming. Man, 20 seasons in, and they know how to shake it up. The group discusses finding the idol and throwing it in the ocean. Russell Baggins nearly has a coronary.

Boston Rob leads the charge to ignore the idol and build a shelter with his new best girlfriend, Coach. Russell Baggins announces that he’s going to take a walk, but Boston Rob did not just fall off the turn-up truck, yo. He sends his minion, Sandra, to investigate. I love this moment.

Russell Baggins is digging around in the woods while Sandra is hunkered down spying. Mm-hm. She reports back from her recon, and there is a general consensus that he’s outta here. “He’s like the Hobbit on crack,” says Boston Rob. Rob’s a little slow, not knowing Russell’s last name is Baggins like I knew.

Over at Camp Losers, the Heroes find their Immunity Idol clue hidden in their Folgers can. They all scatter looking around, but that fair playing Tom finds it first unbeknownst to anyone. Well not quite. Amanda notices Tom shove it in his sock. Amanda spreads the word, but that Tom he is tricky! He knows that she knows and they know. He tells Cry Baby Colby who is just grinning from ear to ear at their good fortune to get back in the game.

The Immunity Challenge is the Helen Keller Ball Rolling Maze contest. Tom and Boston Rob are strapped into big balls that look a lot like Lois’ toys. There’s one in my bed as I type this, I’m sure, but without a little tiny Boston Rob inside. Blindfolded Rupert and Lennie James push Tom, and Rob is left to instruct Tyson and his best girlfriend, Coach. Thank the Survivor Gods he’s blindfolded because I don’t think he could concentrate seeing Rob in bondage. Villains take the lead. Blind as bats, Russell Baggins, Lady Dragon Slayer, Cha-Ka, and Parvati are working the maze. There’s some blindfolded Heroes working on the maze too, but why mention them because they LOSE!! Villains take it again.

Back at Losers Camp, Cirie and Craft Service Candace break down the scenario of voting off Tom or Cry Baby Colby in the event Tom uses the idol. JT and Amanda discuss the vote, and JT wants that crafty Craft Service Candace out of here! And really people, that is what needs to happen. The tribe is getting pummeled in challenges making Tom and Cry Baby Colby two big assets. And the Craft Service truck has been in complete chaos since Candace was pulled off of it and thrown into the game, so it’s a win-win for the players and the crew of Survivor if she goes.

Tom makes the move and approaches Amanda and JT going as far as offering to give them the Immunity Idol if they align with him and Cry Baby Colby. They bite and get Lennie James on board and like that Craft Service Candace is on the block. Amanda tips Cirie off to the new plan. Cirie is no way no how on board with this and makes a good argument to stick with the plan of getting rid of Tom. Truly, Tom and Cirie are amazing players at this game. I venture to guess Cirie is going to win this round against Tom.

JT reports back to Tom. I have no idea what he’s saying but thankfully Tom recaps it all: Cirie is the puppet master. JT suggest a plan to get rid of her but it requires him to flip on his alliance. Damn this is going to be good! So we’ve gone from Tom to Cry Baby Colby to Craft Service Candace to Tom to Cirie in minutes. And it all rests on JT.

Tribal Council is a bunch of smoke and mirrors about alliances. Jeff grills Rupert about the logic of his voting strategy: keeping his word vs. keeping the team strong enough to beat the Villains. This is truly the only worthwhile thing to come out of Tribal. I’m as shocked as Jeff at this rational. At this point in the game before the merge, you’re only chance of survival is muscle.

It’s time to vote and Craft Service Candace drops one to Tom, Tom drops one to Cirie, and JT writes a “C.” Cirie or Colby, Cirie or Colby, what’s a Southern boy to do! Before Jeff can read the votes, Tom springs the Immunity Idol out to play. Its curious that Jeff didn’t make the typical announcement of “if anyone has the Immunity Idol they must play it now” speech that is normal before the votes are read. I just sounded like the biggest Survivor Nerd ever.

Three votes instantly for Tom but they do not count. The next two go for Colby, but then the next two are for Cirie . They’re playing the blindside music so it has to be Cirie. And sure enough the next vote is for our beloved Cirie, heart included on the parchment.

Now let’s be clear, Tom and Cry Baby Colby drive me bananas but this was the right choice. Cirie was the strongest non-muscle player. Had I been there, I would have voted the same.

Her Best H vs. V Moment: “I’m Oprah in a gansta suit.”

Her Worst H vs. V Move: Flappin her lips too much when the vote tide was moving. With Craft Service Candace on the block, Cirie needed to pull a page out of Sandra’s playbook: as long as it’s not me.

Next Week: Looks like Tyson’s coaching Coach has gone out the window. Not only is Coach doing Tai Chi in public, the whole damn tribe is doing it with him. And a medical emergency! Please, don’t let anyone be removed. It’s so anticlimactic when that happens.