Survivor Hero vs. Villains Week #10

Who would have thunk it, but I’m stoked about watching Russell Baggins and Parvati infiltrate the Heroes tonight! Finally, the merge is going to happen and sparks are going to fly. Sandra’s going to be working it hard, JT’s face is going to melt, Amanda’s going to be on her high horse named I Told You So, and Colby is going to cry. Come cuddle with me Lois!

Courtney’s gone and no one seems to care, especially the show’s producers. This episode sways from the typical Tribal Council aftermath opening and instead takes us to the Heroes camp confirming that Courtney’s dismissal has caused no real ripples in the game. The whole tribe is suffering from a bad case of the Cry Babies clearly infected by Colby. Day 25 and there is a lot of bellyaching. JT wants a challenge, a merge, a cow to devour, something, anything. Rupert and Amanda stroll off into the woods and find a mysterious wood box with a clue that promises company is coming. They don’t have the key to the box.

The Villains have the key and a map to the Heroes camp. The merge has come. Russell Baggins and his Witches of Eastwick discuss what they will tell JT. It’s a whole convoluted story about Russell playing the idol but Parvati did too and then something happened and then that happened. Details shmetails, JT will buy it no matter if it doesn't makes sense.

Chaka shushes the group because her super sonic hearing hears rustling in the woods. That Sandra is skulking around spying! I’m hoping she rains big on the Baggins parade. Sandra doesn’t know about JT’s blunder but hopefully that’s going to change soon once she gets over into Camp Cry Baby.

As the Villains enter the camp, JT’s brain is working overtime. You could build a fire from the friction coming out of that boy’s neurons. He sees Parvati, assumes she had an idol, Russell’s there too, he must have played the idol, therefore, there are no more idols left. He has amazing deductive reasoning. I can’t wait to watch him on CSI Alabama after this is over.

The players open the box that is full of food, drink, and new buffs. New tribes names are thrown around. The Hillains. Yin Yang. Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer makes the record scratch with All Villains. “Really Jeri?” is all Cry Baby Colby can say. He REALLY dislikes her. Rupert borrows Amanda’s high horse and takes a ride spouting off about being positive and how awful it is what Jeri said and blah, blah, blah, I wear tie dyed shirts.

Everyone’s having a good old time chit chatting. Jeri drones on about a Calistoga wagon she built. Huh? Did she just say she built a wagon? This is another check in the column of “Jeri and Coach were made for each other.” Colby seems oddly interested. Amanda is going on about a worm is someone’s ass, and Parvati sits around mad because no one wants her there. She takes a moment with Chaka, her lady in waiting, telling her that she knows the Heroes want her out. And frankly, it downright offends her! How dare they not like her? They may as well spill pig’s blood on her pretty hair. No matter. She will not be ignored and plans to pick them off one by one. Revenge is always a good cure for loneliness.

Meanwhile, Russell serves up his special Kool-Aid recipe to JT and Rupert. The boys are thirsty cause they drink it right up. Russell Baggins makes up a story about Parvati playing the idol at the same time he played his. Later, JT tells Rupert that he knew Russell was solid. After all, he’s a good old country boy. The Civil War is making more sense right now, if that’s all it takes for two Southern men to come together in agreement.

But the big shake-up happens! Sandra steals a moment with Rupert and spills the fava beans. Russell Baggins is playing them all and plans to eat the Heroes alive. No idol was played. Rupert is shocked and seems to believe Sandra, but I have a feeling that JT is going to talk him out of believing Sandra somehow.

And just like that, JT doesn’t disappoint. Rupert makes his case that Russell Baggins can’t be trusted, but JT won’t hear any of it. He is so unbelievably blind and stubborn. Amanda is willing to go along with Rupert’s plan: tell Russell they are voting one way and then go another just to test him. Rupert reminds them all that Russell is on the Villain tribe for a reason, but JT is drunk with Kool-Aid and tells him he shouldn’t believe Sandra.

JT’s ego is as big as an Icelandic volcano. He claims he has been telling Rupert whom to vote for this whole time, and he just needs to continue to guide him. JT toys with the idea that Russell Baggins is playing him, which means he would be going home next, but that can’t possibly be the truth. Rupert makes a great point bringing up Russell’s swears on his kids that he’s with them. Anyone who says that can’t be trusted. Stick to your guns Rupert!

Parvati and Amanda go on a secret walk in the woods. Amanda confides that the Heroes have it out for Parvati. She has no power but is trying to get them to vote out Sandra instead. Parvati trusts Amanda and tells her about her Immunity Idol. This could be her undoing. Amanda tells the camera that she likes Parvati but knows if she makes it to the end she will win again. I’m hoping Amanda is playing her but time will tell how much of this new info she will pass onto the Heroes.

The first individual Immunity Challenge is here. The new tribe name is Yin Yang. Lame. The challenge has the players climbing a post and holding on for dear life. The player staying on the longest wins. Sandra and Cry Baby Colby almost instantly go out. Damn those clown feet!

Russell Baggins drops next, followed by Rupert. Six remain with Craft Service Candace, Chaka, and Parvati looking the best. Twenty minutes in Amanda drops. JT looks to be sliding off but psych! He tricks them all and nonchalantly climbs back up his pole like nothing happened. But it’s short lived. He can’t handle it and drops. All women remain.

The Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer steps down after an hour and thirty minutes. The last three women all look tough. Craft Service Candace decides to give up. Before she drops, Jeff stops her asking her why is she giving up when she is the odds on favorite having won the challenge during her season. She has no real answer other than the other two look like they can hang longer. Parvati and Chaka remain. Chaka wants to win since Parvati already has an idol, and like a good queen, Parvati drops letting her lady in waiting have the victory. It’s the least she can do since she will eventually have to slit her throat at some point. Chaka wins! She climbs down to claim her prize losing a boob in the process. Thankfully, there was no Immunity Idol clue in there.

Rupert suspects that Parvati has the idol since she stepped off the pole so easily. Keep going with it Rupert! Don’t talk to JT although the country bumpkin may be coming around. He’s suspicious of Parvati giving up the challenge as well. The plan is to let Russell Baggins write down Parvati’s name to prove his loyalty while the rest of the tribe votes out Sandra or Jeri.

Sandra isn’t sure if Rupert and the rest of the Heroes believe her. She wants Russell out but she’s stuck with little option. Russell Baggins heads off to the woods to dig out his idol. His plan is to give it to Parvati, save her, and vote out JT. Once again, Russell Baggins saves his queen. Unbelievable. Someone hands another player an immunity idol TWICE in a season.

Amanda and Parvati converse again, this time with Amanda encouraging Parvati to play her idol. She has no idea that Parvati now has two idols. Parvati suspects that Amanda is lying about the tribe's intention to vote for her. Boy this is going to be good. There are so many double-dealings going on right now my head is spinning. I’m quite impressed with Parvati knowing Amanda is lying to her.

At tribal council, the banana war becomes a topic. Chaka and Parvati eat what the want and the Heroes are pissed, correction Rupert is pissed that the ripe bananas are getting eaten. Russell Baggins claims that the two tribes remain separate. JT feels like he knows his name is being written down since none of the Villains talk to him. Parvati feels like everyone is avoiding her. Jeff wonders if its just because she isn’t getting her normal amount of attention. Cry Baby Colby tries to get in on the action stating that maybe no one’s talking to Parvati because they know she’ll be around for a few days eluding that the Heroes are targeting someone else. Shut it Cry Baby. You sound ridiculous when you try to be all Serious McStrategy. Stick to crying.

Time to vote. No one can vote for Chaka. Oh boy. No clue what’s going to happen. The confessionals are tense. Jeri and JT are written down left and right. Hold on folks. It’s going to be rough. Time to play a hidden immunity idol. Will she do it? Will she??? Parvati pulls one out and shocks everyone. She hands it to Sandra. WHAT?!

Get out! All right, well Jeri is going hoooom, not so fast. She pulls out the other idol and hands it to Jeri! Unbelievable.

What a brilliant move. I did not see that coming at all. See ya JT! There is a healthy round of face melting.

First vote. Jeri. Does not count. Jeri. Does not count. Jeri. Does not count. Jeri. Does not count. Jeri. Does not count. JT. JT. JT.

Well done??? No one did anything JT. You did it all. So pat yourself on the back. Well done for throwing away your chance at another million. Hopefully Russell Baggins will join you soon at Ponderosa, and you can continue your man crush and gush on and on about how brilliant he is. See ya sucker!

His Best Heroes vs. Villains Move: Originally aligning with Tom. Had he stuck with him, things would have been different.

His Worst Heroes vs. Villains Move:

Everything is on its head.

Heroes’ response:

(By the way Rupert, you didn’t trust her so no harm no foul. It was a certain Mad Cow Cowboy who you shouldn’t have trusted.)

Villains’ response:

Next week: Russell Baggins loses control and Sandra takes over. Can’t wait.

JT’s parting words are pretty much as amazing as this entire episode:

“I feel like a total idiot right now. It’s pretty terrible to be voted out by your own idol. I felt like Russell would have vote the way we told him to vote. People are villains for a reason. Don’t ever trust them. Worse than that, don’t ever trust women. Ever, ever, ever. You can’t always win. It was a big move, do or die, and I died tonight.”

Line up ladies. This one is a real keeper.

Survivor Hero vs. Villains Week #9

I am not looking forward to watching this week’s episode AT ALL. After last week’s preview of the dumbest moves in Survivor history followed by a tease of JT suggesting to the Hero tribe to give the idol to Russell Baggins…someone better get me a Xanax. As a side note, JT is an idiot. He won this game before by just being a good old boy that people liked. This time around he’s actually trying to think which has proven to be a huge mistake. JT, if you’re reading this, stick to being pretty. Stop using your brain.

Here we go.

In the aftermath of the slaying of the Dragon Slayer, Sandra is pleased as the spiked punch that Russell’s been slipping everybody that she got Coach ousted with the best smoke and mirrors move yet this season. The Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer is freakin out. Not liking the feel of that bed you bought from the devil, eh Jeri? Should have gone with the Craftmatic Adjustable that Boston Rob was offering. That’s all I’m saying. Chaka promises that she isn’t voting her out next. For those of you who forget who Chaka is, see below the photo that brings me so much joy:

And I trust her like I trust a gaggle of Sleestaks. But of course Jeri believes her because what else is she going to do? Be smart and get Russell out? Russell Baggins also swears that she isn’t going next; his target is on Sandra and Courtney. Russell still believes that Coach was gunning for him, which pleases me to no end. The playa done got played, and I’m hoping Sandra has a few more tricks up her sleeve.

Tree mail is all about the Reward Challenge: rank your players strongest to weakest. Opposing players will be pitted against each other in an endurance contest. Russell Baggins of course says he’s the strongest, but Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer presents an interesting strategy to put all women in, as they have small feet. I’ll go with this. I have small feet. Over at the Hero camp, Rupert makes a bold statement that he will be able to do great at this challenge. With raised eyebrows all around, JT speaks up with “the bigger you are the harder it is.” Rupert takes none too kindly to be called fat stating to the camera that he thinks he’s the strongest of all eleven left. This makes me guffaw. The fumes from the tie-dye have clearly taken effect on him. JT makes the small feet case to his tribe, too. I can't wait to see Rupert crumble in this challenge.

At the challenge, the Heroes are shocked that Coach is gone. Jeff stirs the pot asking JT and Rupert what their reaction to this is. Both are verbal about the “women’s alliance” on the other tribe. Russell Baggins listens looking like he just ate Tweety Bird.

The first team to three points wins a feast from Outback Steakhouse. All you have to do is outlast your match-up. The match-ups are:

Chaka vs. Craft Service Candace

Courtney vs. Amanda

Parvati vs. JT

Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer vs. Cry Baby Colby (this one is a true Survivor moment. Jeri is a little giddy, and Colby could just cry.)

Rupert vs. Sandra (another great match-up of a duo from a previous season.)

During the challenge Jeff announces that today marks the 100^th day Amanda has played Survivor. This truly is amazing. Having reached the 100 mark, I wonder if they’ll put her in syndication? Ten minutes in, everyone is still in it moving down to the next smallest rung. Sandra is hoping for the win cause she loves her some Outback. Her and the mister went there TWICE in a whole week before he was shipped out to Afghanistan. Twice! That is a wild couple. If that’s what they did before he was shipped off to war, I wonder what an anniversary looks like?

During the challenge, JT continues his odd man crush on Russell Baggins. He mouths a “hang in there” over to Russell Baggins who is sitting this one out. I puke. Good night, this guy is an idiot. He’s getting less pretty too because let’s face it folks, stupid people just aren’t good looking after awhile. Russell Baggins puts it on thick.

I can’t believe JT is falling for this charade. Ridiculous.

Going down to the third and final rung, all players are still in. Cry Baby Colby starts wobbling all over the place. His clown can't handle the pressure, and he drops unable to take the heat in the Manthey kitchen. Jeri scores. Colby cries. Get a pedicure for the love.

Rupert is pouring sweat while Sandra brags about having had two natural “berfs” without even an aspirin. She looks like she could stay there for days, but no need since she manages to outlast the strongest player left out of all eleven. Suck it Rupert. Sandra not only kicked your ass, she could go “one more minute.” Villains 2, Heroes nada.

Soon after, Amanda drops down and Courtney scores! This may be the first time Courtney actually assisted in a win. Villains are getting some steak. JT shakes Russell Baggins’ hand with a “hang in there buddy” on his way out. I can’t handle this. JT please…you’re mind is not a terrible thing to waste. Consider not using it.

At the Outback feast, the Villains toast their victory. JT is disguised as the bartender but no one seems to care. Oh well.

While eating their salads, Parvati finds a hidden Immunity Idol clue in her napkin, but is able to stuff it in her underwear unbeknownst to anyone else. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time in her life she has had to pull a stunt like this. The girls jabber on about how the Heroes are convinced that there is an all girl alliance. I’m really hoping that Courtney and Sandra catch a clue at some point that it would be in their best interest to tip the Heroes off to what is really going on.

Parvati excuses herself to pee, as does Chaka, dutifully following the female code that no woman should ever go to the bathroom alone. Parvati shows Chaka what was hidden in her underwear. All Chaka can say is:

I have a feeling that this isn't the first time Parvati has gotten this response after showing someone what's hiding in her underwear.

Parvati explains to the camera that her goal in showing Chaka the clue was to make her feel connected to her so that in the end of the game she will protect her over Russell Baggins. As added measure to make her really feel special, she let’s Chaka hide the clue in her boobs. Now that’s trust.

Over at the Heroes camp, JT crows that he doesn’t need a steak dinner since he’s had thousands. But it’s all a lie. He admits to the camera that he’s joonzing for the beef. He lives off the beef working on a cattle ranch and is going nuts. Mad to be exact. He drops the bomb to the tribe that he has a "plan" after the next challenge. If they win, he wants to give Russell the idol wrapped up with a note instructing him to vote out Parvati. JT has obviously contracted Mad Cow’s Disease from the thousands of steak dinners. Thankfully, Amanda speaks the true word that they have no idea what’s going on over at the Villains' camp but alas only to the camera. She confides in Craft Service Candace how crazy this plan could be to give Russell the idol; however, Candace presents the angle that in doing so at least the idol would be away from JT.

The next morning over at the Villains camp, Parvati and Chaka meet covertly to search for the idol. As Chaka reads the clue, I’m struck by the notion that this poor clue has been in Parvati’s pants and down Chaka’s buff. There is some Survivor nerd out there who would pay thousands of dollars on eBay to own that little piece of paper. The girls find the Idol in no time without any intention of telling Russell Baggins.

Back at the Hero Camp, JT sits on a stump penning his letter to Santa Clause, I mean Russell Baggins. This segment provides some real gems. The production team had to be giddy over this stuff. Take a moment and let it wash over you again. Just take it all in...

Go ahead…treat yourself and read a little of this gem.

Now go back and read it again. I mean really read it. Take it in. Its reality TV bliss.

He reads it aloud to the rest of the tribe who all seem a little too nonchalant lounging around watching the biggest blunder unfold before their very eyes. They’re as dumb as he is. Not realizing the true weight of what he is saying, Cry Baby Colby says:

Yes, Cry Baby, yes it is. We'll be talking about this for years.

“It could work ya’ll, if that works it would be incredible.” JT, the only thing incredible is that I completely understood you. I’m wondering if he can hear himself. JT…if that works it would be incredible but…keep going now…you can do it…but…if it doesn’t work…then…

Oh forget it. I think I just realized what’s wrong here. JT can’t understand himself when he talks. It’s the only logical explanation why is own words aren’t reaching his brain…unless there isn’t really a...

OH. MY. Did I just see what I think I saw?

Now I’m giddy for Russell Baggins to get this note. I can’t wait!!! JT ends the note with a P.S. I WOULD ALSO LOVE TO HAVE A BRAND NEW RADIO FLYER. I officially can’t stand JT more than Russell. Stupid trumps evil.

Immunity Challenge is oh for the frickin love a puzzle. Pretty soon they’re just going to sit and do a Sudoku for Immunity. Teams must individually carry puzzle pieces through the ocean that are tethered to a line. Yawn. Jeri and Rupert take the course first. Rupert pulls ahead of the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer getting his bag of puzzle pieces in first. This gives JT a huge lead over Chaka in the next round. JT gets across sending Amanda out on the course. She nearly catches up with Chaka. Chaka crosses the line sending out Parvati. Amanda quickly gets through sending out Craft Service Candace. But all of this really matters just so Cry Baby Colby has the opportunity to talk to Russell Baggins while the two wait to take the course. He asks Russell if he’s going home tonight. Russell shakes his head. Colby instructs him to go see JT after the challenge. Russell plays it up asking who he should get rid of. Parvati. Amazing. Russell Baggins is the worst actor by the way, but laying it on thick doesn’t seem to faze JT or Colby in this moment.

And all Russell Baggins can say is “wow.”

Cry Baby Colby gets the last bag in for the Heroes. Russell is last on the course moving suspiciously slow. I suspect on purpose. After the Heroes easily win Immunity, he goes straight to JT for the hand-off. Witness the dumbest move ever in Survivor history. Ever. Russell is amazed himself that he doesn’t even have to find idols anymore; people are giving them to him.

After the challenge, JT is preening in the success of his plan. Rupert goes on and on about how Russell is probably beaming right now unable to contain himself. Oh Rupert. You’re going to hate this segment when you watch this later. Russell is beaming bigger than the sun.

Over at the Villain camp, Russell Baggins shows the letter to Parvati. She reads it out loud which is one of the most delicious moments this season. JT is such a moron. This letter becomes more and more iconic, and Parvati’s reading is better than any book on tape you could possibly hear.

And right when you think you’ve heard it all and can’t get any more ridiculous:

Come on! Is JT thirteen??? I don’t know how they did it, but I’m now ok if Russell Baggins or Parvati wins. The Heroes should all be sent to Ponderosa immediately! Parvati sums it up accurately. JT gave his heart to Russell. Russell is going to stab it in pieces. Parvati is going to eat it. This segment is just chalk full of good stuff. It ends with the million-dollar statement: “I can’t believe that kid won.”

Meanwhile, Sandra and Courtney take the death march together. They know time is running out for one of them. It makes Sandra really sad since Sandra without Courtney is like rice without beans. I’ve learned so much about Sandra this episode.

Courtney makes a plea to Parvati to keep her. She offers that she can be more valuable in the merge because she has Amanda’s trust. Parvati is convinced she can control Courtney more over Sandra, so she finds an opportunity to present the idea to Russell Baggins, Chaka, and Jeri even though Russell has already declared Courtney as the next to go. Russell Baggins shows Jeri and Chaka the gift from Mad Cow JT and also considers Parvati’s case to keep Courtney. No one even talks about blindsiding Russell. What is wrong with these people?

At Tribal Council, Coach strolls in like he just stepped off the set of Shogun. There’s a big discussion about trust. Sandra states she knows she and Courtney are on the block. Chaka brings the most entertainment attempting to answer Jeff’s question why Sandra isn’t trustworthy. Jeff is quick to point out that her examples of not trusting Sandra really is just frustration that she isn’t doing what she wants. Chaka tries to play the “you wouldn’t talk to me card” but Sandra is like a ghetto Matlock. She’s all over her. I’m guessing Chaka did not do well in debate class. Sandra is straightforward: she and Rob were just like Chaka and Parvati…and Parvati is the boss.

Russell Baggins brings to light the most startling truth to the trust conversation. If you truly trust your alliance, you’ll make it in the game. Case in point, Russell, Parvati, and Chaka were three that trusted each other and made it through past the other alliance that had the numbers against them. I have to give him props here. He’s right.

Courtney gets in on the action agreeing with Russell’s statement pointing out that Jeri flipped on their alliance faster than she could which is why Courtney is on the block. Jeri, proving herself again to be a coward, is quick to say she was never part of any alliance. Courtney calls bullshit but is willing to rephrase her statement: “you voted for Parvati, you voted against the alliance you’re in now.” That seemed to shut her up. Jeri has major issues with feeling bad about herself and her actions. She seems to conveniently forget her part in what has unfolded in the reign of Russell and Parvati.

Time to vote. I hear the Outback calling Sandra. Let’s tally the votes so she can get a bloomin onion. Jeri. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney. Folks, don’t take me to Vegas. You’ve been warned.

Courtney, the tribe has spoken.

And I thank God Coach has his legs crossed.

The Villains are now equal with the Heroes 5-5, and Parvati is a day away from going into syndication herself. On her way out, the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer gets a little lovin wink from her Dragon Slayer.

She returns it with a blink.

I think that means she like him twice as much. True love makes me weepy.

Next week: The merge, JT’s face melts when he sees Parvati, and a whole helluvalotta scrambling.

Honestly, I'm hard pressed to come up with any good or bad moves from Courtney that are worth mentioning. Onward!