Survivor Heroes vs. Villains Week #12

So I’m giving this season two big thumbs up so far. In typical Survivor fashion, the players are driving me nuts with their irrational moves, but regardless I have been more than entertained. I’m stoked for this episode! I’m not usually big on the double elimination but its less pain when two of these knuckleheads are tossed out. I would think Rupert and Cry Baby Colby to be the ones to go, however…

This episode opens up with a whole recap of Russell Baggins’ reign of terror. I’m thinking this is some foreshadowing that he is getting a one-way ticket back to Middle Earth. Please. People. For the love.

The Ying Yangs are walking back after Tribal where Amanda, possibly the most boring player to play this game but somehow gets asked to play every other season, was put out to pasture. Rupert and Cry Baby are pissed; Craft Service Candice gave them all a coffee enema and voted with the Villains. The boy Heroes have a string of adjectives used to describe her: weak, pathetic, self-centered, greedy, and manipulative. AMEN. It was a dumb move on her part to go against the Heroes. Ironically, the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer doesn’t trust her at all now because of how easy it was for her to flip.

Rupert decides that it's time everyone saw Russell Baggins for who he is. Sure Rupert’s a bit of a late bloomer here; everyone already knows that guy is an ass. Hell Sandra came up and told him so but let him have is moment. And it’s a juicy moment. Rupert calls him out on his “swear on my kids.” Russell Baggins drones on and on how its part of the game, but old Rup just continues on telling Russell how despicable he is. You can see Russell’s blood boil.

This dude cannot handle being called on his shit. I hope Dr. Phil is waiting in the woods for the intervention. On to the first Immunity Challenge. Players must stand on a small wood block with their hand in the air tethered to a bucket. Hand falls, so does the bucket full of paint or colored water or waste from the other side of the island where nuclear testing is being done. Cry Baby Colby is so not winning this challenge with his clown feet. There will be food enticements and a secret scroll given out. Jeff brings out the first covered tray and immediately Sandra and Russell Baggins want it sight unseen. I would normally be thinking “what the…” but these two don’t have a snowballs chance at winning this challenge so eat up. I hope its breaded island turds. Damn. Cookies and milk.

Did she just say these cookies are off the hook? It’s an Oreo, Sandra. They must not serve those at Outback. Next up iced coffee and four doughnuts. The cookies had no appeal to me, and four doughnuts on a stomach with no real food for 30 days almost makes me puke thinking about it but Cry Baby Colby is sold. He comes down. We’re all saved from a close-up of his gnarled feet wobbling on the block...OH GEEZ LOUISE!

Thanks Survivor Editor. You just couldn’t let us have that moment for 30 seconds, could you?

Craft Service Candice starts conspiring with Chaka; they need to beat Rupert. Now I’ve never been a fan of our favorite Craft Service Lady and now she really has sold herself over. She’s played the game for how many days with the Heroes and just like she’s in tight with Chaka? Get back to the truck, lady. Next up, peanut butter and jelly and candy. And just like that Candice, Chaka, and Jeri all want out. Pathetic people. Really pathetic.

It’s down to Rupert and Parvati and both look pretty strong. Rupert loses is footing though and down he goes. Parvati wins Immunity, the second time she’s won this challenge. Jeff reads a clue to a hidden Immunity Idol to the group. There’s something about crossed paths, burning bushes, and the Ten Commandments, I don’t know. I hate hidden Immunity Idols.

It’s mass chaos back at camp as everyone scurries to find the idol. Everyone except Cry Baby Colby. He’s nowhere to be seen; probably in the shelter crying. Sandra is confused thinking there will be a real burning bush but Craft Service Candice sets her straight. Nothing will actually be on fire. Now that she knows she’s just looking for a red bush, Sandra finds the idol. Everyone watching this is as shocked as she is. She struggles to find a place to hide it since it bulges it out of her pocket. I want her to try putting it in her hat, but she hides it under another bush instead. I predict that Russell will find it there or she will completely forget where she hid it.

Meanwhile, Rupert comes up with the brilliant idea to make it look like he found the idol. He puts a big rock in his pocket. And the fish bite. Russell Baggins, why he knows idols and what they look like and tells Sandra that Rupert has it in his pocket. Sandra is happier than a Bloomin Onion. Russell decides they should split the votes tonight to smoke out Rupert’s idol. Russell Baggins tips off the Witches of Eastwick. They discuss whom they’re going to stick in the cauldron next. Parvati and Chaka say Colby; Jeri wants Candice. It’s a desperate move to get that moment alone with Colby in the Calistoga but I agree. About the Candice part. Colby doesn't strike me as someone who's much fun in the back of a Calistoga wagon.

On the other end of the woods, the Heroes make a last stand. Cry Baby Colby tells Rupert that the votes will split between the Rupert and Candice or himself. In the event the Villains choose Candice, they need to vote that direction as well to get her out. Cry Baby Colby is finally strategizing, and I now have a concussion after falling off the bed shocked that Colby is strategizing. Apparently those razor commercials didn’t pay him enough and he does need the money.

Tribal Council is going to be juicy. Jeff asks Rupert about the fallout from the last vote. Rup says there are two Heroes left; Craft Service Candice jumped shipped. Her defense is that the numbers were already against Amanda, and her vote didn’t matter. I’m sure Sandra has a mouth full of blood from biting her tongue. The Texan in Colby takes over; he has no respect for her excuses. Jeff asks Russell Baggins about Candice’s decision. It puts her in good with the Villains. There are two Heroes left that have to go and consensus is that Rupert is tonight’s target.

Easy boy, easy.

Time to vote. Jeff calls for the play of the hidden Immunity Idol. Rupert makes a brilliant move toward his pocket. The Villains are look like a bunch of cats in a room full of rocking chairs.

The Villains are shocked and confused when Rupert doesn't play the idol. Jeff gets the votes and reads them. Rupert. Rupert. Rupert. Not looking good. Candice. Candice. Candice. I’m smelling a fresh batch of coffee coming off the craft service truck! Candice. And final vote Candice.

Flip-floppin’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Her Best H vs. V Move: Agreeing to step off the craft service truck and play the game in a pinch. Who the hell is she?

Her Worst H vs. V Move: Voting out Amanda with the Villains instead of voting out Russell when Sandra agreed to jump ship. Dumb ass.

Russell Baggins is all stirred up back at camp. He could spit fire for letting the girls convince him to vote out Candice. Truthfully, I think that was the better play. Candice is far more dangerous than Colby or Rupert. What he’s really mad about is that he got played. Rupert doesn’t have the idol. Russell hates to be wrong. Furthermore, he knows he’s not in complete control of the game. He and Parvati have equal share. Had it been his idea to vote out Candice, all would be well but that's not the case. Russell Baggins claims he’s going to take control so fast “they won’t even know what hit ‘em.” Thus, his downfall begins.

Immunity Challenge is getting a peg through a maze, first five move on. Climb a wall with your peg, first three move on. Final round is a slide puzzle. First round, everyone is digging for their peg, and Rupert finds his first with a lead. All the others follow suit with. Wa, wa, wa…Cry Baby Colby bringing up the rear. Rupert gets through the maze first, followed by Sandra. Good for her! No way would I have predicted her making it through the first round at all. And her response?

“I can’t believe it.”

Russell Baggins, Parvati, and Chaka fill out the five leaving the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer and Cry Baby Colby in the dust. No worries, I’m sure they’ll take advantage of the quality time together waiting together for the challenge to finish.

Onto the wall. Russell Baggins all but shimmies up the wall using only two of the four pegs. Rupert and Parvati finish neck-in-neck making up the final three forcing Sandra and Chaka to the sidelines with Jeri and Colby. Girls, if the wagon’s a rockin, don’t come a knockin!

Russell and Rupert fly through the slide puzzle leaving Parvati in the dust. It’s a near photo finish, but Russell Baggins is granted the win. That slimy bastard will live to see another day. This seems to be lookin like an exit for Colby. Someone better be warming up a bottle at Ponderosa.

Back at camp, Parvati makes a move to get rid of Rupert. Colby sucks in challenges; Rupert has to go. Russell Baggins is worried about the Parvati/Chaka alliance. It’s time to break them up. He approaches Danielle about getting rid of Parvati. Russell works his Kool-Aid like a pro, and she drinks up. She’s conflicted because she is in tight with Parvati. I’m conflicted because I can’t figure out how she successfully hid that Immunity Idol clue without anyone seeing it

Russell Baggins continues weaving his web approaching Parvati telling her that Chaka wants to blindside her. He’s banking on that the girls won’t talk to each other about the supposed blindside. Has he never in his life hung around women? I write him a quick note:

Dear Russell Baggins,

When men go to the bathroom together they stand in silence peeing next to each other.

When women go to the bathroom together they do not remain silent. They chit-chat. That's why they go in flocks.

I thought you should know.

BH

P.S. You're a dumb ass.

His major misstep is insisting to Parvati that she can’t confront Chaka about the "blindside." Bad move telling a dominant woman what do to. No puts Parvati in the corner.

Parvati and Chaka compare notes and know Russell Baggins is pitting them against each other. They immediately run to the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer to plead not to change her vote. She confirms; Rupert is out. Russell rounds up the boys to let them know Chaka is going home. Cry Baby Colby and Rupert are stunned. This is too good to be true. Russell Baggins gets in Jeri’s ear about getting rid of Danielle. No way she says. He tries to bully her threatening that if she doesn’t, she will go next. Not because of him but because of some mysterious reason he can’t say. Jeri looks a bit worried. Russell has done a good job of stirring the pot!

At Tribal Council, Jeff asks Rupert who is running the show. He thinks Russell and Parvati. Jeff asks the same question to Chaka, and of course she doesn’t agree. The Villains make decisions together she says. Oh my dear, dear Danielle…

Jeff poses the question to Jeri, and she says “hell no” everyone is not agreeing. Back to you Chaka. She finally conceded. Fine. There was a “misunderstanding” today. Crazy chaos. Parvati jumps in and says that she and Chaka were pitted against each other. Jeff is salivating. Do tell. Parvati says that Russell Baggins told each other them that the other was planing on blindsiding the other. Russell Baggins starts spinning a lie about Chaka coming to him first. He keeps on talking even though she interrupts him continuously. She is on the edge. Russell claims he was testing her to see where her loyalty was since he is firmly with Parvati. Poor Chaka. First Amanda unfairly tried to steal the Immunity Idol clue from her and now this. Life's a bitch. Colby, pass the torch. There's a new cry baby in town.

Chaka has a complete meltdown. Things get more and more uncomfortable except on the jury. They’re eatin this up.

The back and forth continues between Chaka and Russell Baggins. She can’t understand why he’s doing this. He continues towing the line that she would have voted out Parvati had he agreed to it. She retorts with "it wouldn’t have happened because I’m closer to Parvati than what you think.” The record scratches. Silence. Parvati wishes she would just shut her trap.

Russell Baggins catches the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer’s eye and mouths “Danielle.” Jeri’s face is full of concern now. Chaka has dug her own grave and continues going on and on about her loyalty to Parvati. I hear the faint sound of Rick, Will, and Holly calling. Time to vote.

Rupert. Rupert. Rupert. Shit. Danielle. Danielle. Danielle. Danielle. YAHOO!! Oh man, there is some justice in the world. Parvati is stunned and all Chaka can say is:

After weeks of frustration watching dumb ass moves, this episode goes down like a shot of silky smooth Russian vodka.

Her Best H vs. V Move: Aligning with Parvati

Her Worst H vs. V More: Her inability to hold her tongue at tribal council

Her escorts wait in the wings to take her to Ponderosa.

Next Week: Looks like an all male alliance is forming!

So coming into the homestretch, let’s make a few predictions, shall we? This is purely for your entertainment since I have now proved over and over that I am terrible at guessing what will happen next. Get out your dollars out folks; here are my official thoughts on who will win this thing. If you’re betting real money somewhere, do the opposite of the below:

Rupert – With consideration of the current jury and who will potentially join them, Rupert fans are split. I’ll give him a 2-5 chance of winning.

Russell Baggins – Ain’t no way, no how, no matter how many socks he burns or machetes he hides. 1-100. Everyone hates him. I’m sure Coach will be convinced to vote for him though.

Cry Baby Colby – He could cry his way to a few votes. 3-15

Parvati – The craziest thing about this final six is that the two previous winners have the best shot to win again. 2-5

Sandra – She’s my favorite to win. Has been from the start. The fact that she was considering turning against the Villains and Russell found out about it AND she is still there is a testament to her game play. 1-2

The Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer – Jeri is the dark horse. She hasn’t really pissed anyone off. She actually has made some moves in the game, so she hasn’t been a complete coattail rider, but it would be interesting to see what the jury would do if she were up against one or both of the previous winner. 2-6

Survivor Heroes vs. Villains Week #11

Ugh. Well going to the Survivor website to watch this week’s episode (I’m away from home so no dvr!), I completely saw who gets the boot this week. Why they don’t do a better job at hiding these things, I’ll never know. Please hold while I write a quick note:

Dear CBS,

Your website sucks.

XXOO

Brick Hollywood

Onward. Well I’m not surprised at who is going but lets all pretend like you don’t know, and I don’t know. Lois certainly doesn’t know. She’s probably napping right now with her wears all hanging out spread eagle on the couch. I’ve tried but she just won’t be tamed into a respectable lady.

So after last week’s monumental episode (two idols played, the Villains taking the lead, and JT doing an awesome job playing the Ned Beatty role in Deliverance), I can’t wait to see the aftermath. Mostly, I can’t wait to see Russell Baggins’ response. He does not like surprises, and Parvati pulled a fast one on him.

Back at camp after Tribal, the Yin Yangs are all shell-shocked. Its odd to see both teams feeling the same way, but that just goes to show how pivotal Parvati’s move was. Russell Baggins, as predicted, is pissed. He feels like Parvati lied to him because she didn’t tell him about the second idol. Clearly, this man has never read the definition of “lie” but that’s beside the point. He’s rattled.

For the first time this season, I actually feel bad for Rupert. He doesn’t have much hope for the Hero tribe. Sandra is their only hope of breaking up the Villains, and having already approached the Heroes once, he’s not sure she will do it again. And he’s right. The best strategy now is for the Heroes to build a Calistoga wagon and have Cry Baby Colby be waiting in the back to give himself over to Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer.

Russell Baggins starts cozying up to Craft Service Candace. She goes on and on about what a good move it was that they pulled. I’m not sure who’s working whom more in this instance. As you may recall, I’m not convinced Candace has ever played this game. I don’t remember her at all from any past season, so my theory is she was pulled off the Craft Service Truck at the last minute when Gretchen canceled coming onto the show. This girl has proved she knows more than just coffee though. Russell Baggins doesn’t trust Sandra (nor should he) and is looking to solidify a replacement.

Now folks, for any future Survivor players out there, remember that when someone starts talking to you about “top six” or “top four”, they have no intention of keeping your around. Period. Craft Service Candace should run like hell from any deal offered by the slimy Russell Baggins. Russell is convinced Candace is ready to jump and tells the Witches of Eastwick they should warm up their cauldron.



Reward Challenge is shuffleboard. Winning team gets a screening of Treasure Island because Robert Louis Stevenson is buried in Samoa. Wow, awesome reward! What did this one put you back Mark Burnett? About $8.99 on your Netflix subscription?

Teams are:

Black Team – Candace, Parvati, and the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer



(Looks like a new season of Charlie’s Angels to me, Chaka. Watch your back! Remember when Cheryl Ladd was able to make the world say Farrah who? Fair warning.)



Red Team – Russell Baggins, Sandra, and Rupert

Blue Team – Cry Baby Colby, Chaka, and Amanda


Round one and the Red team is in control with two pucks near the mark. Russell Baggins and Rupert are the superstars so far. Sandra, not so good at this challenge at all. Round two, Chaka is able to knock out one of the two reds but still not the closest to the mark. No one can get that last red away from X. It all rests on Cry Baby Colby now to knock off the Red Team. Oh I can’t wait to watch this. I hope James is watching somewhere.

He shots and…



Unfrickinbelievable. Now this is looking more like Season 2 Colby.



See now, isn’t it a lot easier when you loosen up that girdle?

The Blue gets a tour of the Robert Louis Stevenson museum. They all look as excited to be there as we all are to watch this scene. Amanda is totally distracted looking for the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol. She knows it's there somewhere. Time for the movie to start. I have so many different reactions to this next shot, I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll simply remain silent and let you put in your own reaction.



Amanda can’t concentrate on the movie because all she is thinking about is the clue. But in her defense, being trapped in a room with Chaka, Cry Baby Colby and this:



What else are you going to entertain yourself with? And on a side note, this threesome might very well be the most boring three Survivor players gathered so it’s a good thing they’re together and no one else had to be subjected to this torture.

Amanda is looking all over the room, but since Chaka has pre-evolution eyes coming from the Land of the Lost, she is able to spy the clue hidden, of course in the



* Future Survivor Players – the clue is most likely in the food. Check there first.

Not able to get the clue in her normal hiding place without causing a scene, Chaka drops it next to the bed. But that Amanda is on to her and comes over to see what Chaka is hiding. She sees the clue under the bed and grabs it which sends Chaka into a fury. A catfight ensures. Amanda makes a dash with clue in hand but Chaka tries to take her down.



Alone in a room with two women wrestling…now this was a challenge worth winning. It's like live porn for a Texan Cry Baby.



Chaka keeps screaming to Amanda to give it back and repeatedly calls her psychotic. This really gets on my nerves because this is the second time in this episode where a Villain misuses a word. First Russell Baggins accusing Parvati of lying and now Chaka having no idea what psychotic behavior is. Grabbing a clue on a reality game show that could lead to a million dollar prize is actually quite smart. But Amanda stupidly gives the clue back when Cry Baby Colby gives her no support and says the clue belongs to Chaka. And the girdle tightens back up.

This whole fight has become a bit of a disappointment now. Amanda’s a wimp. Colby’s a pansy. Chaka is just annoying. While I was hoping it to be this:



It ended up being this:



B-O-R-I-N-G

Please can we move off of these three?

They return to camp where the rest of the tribe is huddled in the hut seeking refuge from a downpour. Later, Chaka reveals to Russell Baggins, Parvati, and Jeri that she has the clue. Russell Baggins and Chaka head down to the stream where the clue instructs that the idol is hidden. Russell finds the idol first but of course hides it not letting Chaka know that he has it. Oh Chaka. Good for you in getting a real lesson on what psychotic behavior is.

Russell Baggins runs straight for Craft Service Candace to solidify her allegiance. She wants to see the idol though. He takes her out in the woods and complies. I’m beyond baffled that Candace actually considers this to be a sign of trust after everything that happened with JT. Apparently rain and lack of food have a big effect on short-term memory.

Meanwhile in another part of the woods, Cry Baby Colby conspires with Sandra. He’s convinced that Chaka has the idol and will not give it up. It’s equally entertaining and frightening to listen to his thought process. Why and how he would assume that she and she alone has the idol (again has everyone forgotten what happened at the last tribal council?) is beyond me. I can see where this is going. Sandra will flip. They will vote out Russell Baggins. He plays the idol. A hero goes home.

And that’s what slowly seems to be what’s coming to light. Russell Baggins wants to know if Cry Baby Colby has approached her. Hell no! Just like Jeri said, "that guy is uptight and has no personality" is her response. This makes me laugh. As crazy as Jeri can be, she has hit the nail on the head. Russell tells Sandra they have six votes; one of the heroes has flipped but he doesn’t say whom. Sandra runs to Rupert, and they agree its Russell Baggins who needs to go. Colby gets Amanda up to speed on his conversation with Sandra. Amanda says they vote for whomever Sandra wants out. Colby says Parvati or Russell. He trusts that Sandra isn’t playing him. Well that’s true but that damn immunity idol is going to put a wrench in everything. Quite frankly, I liked the days when there weren’t so many idols running around. This multiple idols thing is getting old and ruins the game for me a bit. For the love.

Immunity Challenge is 150 tiles to each player to build a house of cards 10 feet tall. There are numerous crashes of tiles but the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer and Russell Baggins seem to have a handle on the challenge the most.



I have no stake in either one winning but this whole thing makes me nervous. I hate Jenga for this reason. It’s a nail biting finish as the Lady Jeri Dragon Slayer prevails over Middle Earth. I’m happy for her. I’m somewhat impressed that she has lasted this long…and that she builds wagons.

Sandra is voting out Russell Baggins. Its time for revenge. She’s doing it for Boston Rob, Courtney, Tyson, and hell she'll even Coach in there even though she doesn’t care about him.

While Jeri is swimming in “yea” over her win, Russell Baggins plots his next victim. Colby and Rupert look like they have no fight left. He still isn’t sure if he wants to take Sandra to the top three so he’s not ready to cut her loose. That leaves Amanda. “She’s like Boston Rob in a girl’s body.” I think that’s giving her way too much credit but hey, that’s just me. Amanda isn’t strategic she’s just rational. I suppose that’s a big threat on a beach full of numbnuts.

Russell Baggins confirms that Craft Service Candace is going to vote out Amanda with the Villains. Candace feels like she has no choice, so she’s going with the most solid plan. What the hell is wrong with her? She knows Russell has the idol and hasn’t told her own team?? What an idiot. Can we just end this season now and let Russell and Parvati do the best out of three rock, paper, scissors to decide a winner? Apparently, no one else has any interest in a million dollars.

Rupert, Colby, Amanda, Sandra, and Candace sit in the shelter discussing their plan to vote out Russell, not knowing that Judas sits among them. Candace runs straight to Russell and Parvati telling them the Hero plan to vote out Russell. Candace totally throws Sandra under the bus, which pushes Russell to confront her. Sandra plays dumb and says Amanda is going home. Craft Service Candace steps into the conversation, and Russell confirms to both of them that they are going to vote Amanda out.

Sandra goes back to Rupert reporting that they are at square one because of Candace. Good for her for calling her out! There is some scrambling for a new plan but Colby, Sandra, Rupert and Candace decide to vote Parvati out. They fear that Chaka will give the idol to Russell so scratch the plan to vote out Russell. Sandra point blank asks Candace twice if she is going to screw her. Of course Candace says no, she’s with them but really does this look like a face you can trust?



Colby boldly says that if the plan doesn’t work then they know it’s because Candace spilled the beans. Wow, Colby that’s the smartest thing you’ve said since Season 2. Sandra takes a private moment with Candace. Russell tries to approach but she tells him to get lost which is possibly my favorite moment of the episode. I’m tired of Russell up in everyone’s grill. Sandra confronts Candace on spilling everything to Russell. She is flipping to help the Heroes and can’t believe Candace is falling for Russell’s plan to vote for Amanda. At this point, Candace feels way too scared to go against Russell, and I suspect she has officially taken a big shot of Russell’s Kool-Aid. Another Hero will bite the dust.

At Tribal Council, Jeff poses the question of one of the Villains flipping. Rupert says it would be crazy since that would place that player fifth on the Heroes side should that happen. Sandra admits that the Heroes approached her since she is clearly already fifth on the Villains tribe. Jeff says that obviously its not all paradise on the Villains tribe. Russell responds that they all have different ways of playing. He and Chaka are aggressive, Jeri is calm, and Parvati is the charming one. Sandra chimes in that she wasn’t included in Russell’s breakdown of the team. He throws in that Sandra “is just there with us.” Jeff is quick to point that Russell's response there show clear cracks in the alliance. Rupert does an amazing job of acting like he had no idea and wishes he had that information prior to tribal. Overall, Rupert has impressed me the most in this episode in his attempt to save the Hero tribe.

Talk turns to the hidden Immunity Idol. Rupert and Colby immediately chime in that Danielle has it. Parvati and Russell both answer Jeff’s question of vulnerability and yes, they are vulnerable without the idol.

Time to vote. Jeff calls for the play of the idol. Russell Baggins hands over his idol stating his fear that someone has flipped. The general vibe is not one of shock. First vote. Amanda. Amanda. Parvati. Parvati. Tied votes and Russell looks really nervous.



Amanda. Amanda. Parvati. 4-3. And Amanda. Gone. Unbelievable. Craft Service Candace is an idiot.

Amanda approaches with the parting words of, “ok Jeff I know you’ve waited forever to do this.” That’s because impressively, Amanda has played this game three times now, and this is the first time she has been actually voted out. The previous two times she made it to the final.




Her Best H vs. V Move: Her original Alliance with James, JT, Rupert and Candace

Her Worst H vs. V Move: Not keeping the Immunity Idol clue. At the very least, look at it before giving it back!

Next Week: Russell Baggins and Parvati are at each other’s throats

Unbelievable. Both Candace and Sandra voted for Amanda!