There’s nothing more exciting for a Survivor fan than a helicopter flying over water with a big orchestra score driving it. And there’s nothing that bugs me more than the pinched look all the contestants have at this stage as if they already haven’t been able to take a crap for 39 days. The intros begin: Philip, a former federal agent. Yawn. Whatever Sydney Bristow, you’re going to need more than the secret spy thing. My guess is since you’re a former spy, you’ll also quickly be a former contestant. Matt is the token Christian relying on his faith in God and Pantene to make his hair shine. Ralph is the red neck. That’s all I got. I can’t understand a word he says, but he actually IS red and reminds me of a giant Oompa Loompa.
Jeff starts crowing about how Survivor is the ultimate challenge blah, blah, blah. Clearly, he didn’t sit through the ultimate tv challenge of watching the last season of LOST.
The opening credits roll and there is no Rob or Russell to be seen. Maybe CBS is trying to surprise the astronauts on the international space station since they are the only ones who haven’t seen the weeks of their faces splashed over every Survivor campaign.
Poor Military Mike thinks serving in Iraq will give him an edge to win. Has he watched Russell play yet? Everyone congregates on the mats to hear Jeff’s announcement that two additional players will be joining. GIDDY. Beat those drums! Matt is shaking his head. Jesus ain’t gonna save him from what’s coming. He’s actually popping some popcorn now to watch this showdown too.
There’s the obvious reaction to the two as they join the group. Stephanie rambles on about being evil. There's one in every group. She won’t be around past week three. Rob and Russell pull buffs and join their tribes. Jeff explains the Redemption Island twist: when a player is voted off they will stay on Redemption Island until the next player voted out joins them. They will duel and the winner stays. I hope its an old fashioned Aaron Burr/Alexander Hamilton duel with muskets. That would be AWESOME.
Russell already starts mouthing off. He’s not afraid of Redemption Island; it’s going to be a vacation for him. I’m already sick of him. It would be a vacation for us if you shut your trap. Francesca, the attorney, has a hard time comprehending Redemption Island. Not a real good sales pitch for her future clients. Just go with it, Frankie.
For all those confused Frankie’s out there, Sprint has sponsored a Redemption Island “What If Moment” otherwise known as a “Hey Dumb Ass This Is What Jeff Just Explained Moment.” The only good thing about this is the opportunity to see Shambo and her pet mullet again. Oh dear Shambo…good times. I wonder if her mullet has ever bitten anyone? That would have been her only chance on Redemption Island.
At the Tatasomethingorother Camp, Russell says he was just a schoolboy before but now he’s going to bring it. He gathers the team for some lame pep talk, but Defense Attorney David is not buying it. In addition to not speaking with any periods, he thinks it would be a mistake not to think Russell is dangerous. Oompa Loompa Ralph almost has an orgasm when he sees a box of nails. Bless you CBS for the subtitles. Military Mike gives Ralph a super hero nickname of “Steel Wool.” What the hell kind of comic books was he reading as a child? I do not want to be the one to tell him that cleaning supplies do not fight crime.
I have nothing else to say on this segment other than this is something you don’t see every day:
Military Mike thinks as long as the tribe can win and “stay away from the Immunity Challenges” they can do damn well. Ahhhh, that’s not quite how it works but I think that all made sense in cleaning supplies are super heroes kinda way.
Over at Camp Ohmyteepee, Pantene Matt asks Boston Rob if he really is from Boston. I fall on the floor. I can only imagine what Rob is thinking, and it isn’t “how do you keep your hair so shiny?”
Yes Matt, Rob is from Boston and Santa is from the North Pole in case you were wondering about that too. He says having Boston Rob is a blessing there at Camp Harmony. Rob is clearly tip toeing around this bunch doing his darnedest to stay polite and not eat any of them for dinner. Natalie is just in awe and so thankful not to have Russell there. Rob is their Bossiah unlike Philip who begins to quickly annoy everyone by telling them what to do. He calls the tribe over to announce that he is a former agent AND an expert in analyzing people’s behavior. Is this guy an idiot? I can see why Uncle Sam released him of his duties. Worst. Spy. Ever. The concept of “under the radar” is just not anywhere in this guy.
Kristina starts rummaging around through the tools looking for a hidden Immunity Idol. Did that say law student under her name?? OBJECTION! Two lawyers and a law student in one season? Next season, Survivor: COPS.
Well I give her props for thinking ahead, but you need to get up pretty early to get one past Boston Rob! He totally is on to her and lets her know it which freaks her out a little. She doesn’t want to be knows as a strategist quite yet. Rob tries to suss out Philip telling him that he wants to work with him. The guys are out numbered 4-5 so they need to watch the girls. Philip interprets this as two lions circling each other and starts to growl and then makes some other noise which makes me feel uncomfortable. He takes Kristina aside and throws Rob under the bus telling her that Rob is concerned about the girls. Play all the scary music you want, I don’t for a second believe these two numb nuts have a Pantene prayer at overthrowing Rob since he has Matt , Natalie, and Amanda (as long as she doesn’t chop her foot off) in his back pocket as they bask in the glow of the Bossiah in Camp Harmony.
Back at Zapatera, Russell quickly chooses his Lady Macbeth proving that he has learned NOTHING in the past two times he has played this game. Stephanie joins the ranks of Natalie and Parvati as the woman who will eventually chop his head off. What a dumb ass. Defense David gives Military Mike the rundown of what Russell is up too. This is a good thing because I’m not sure Mike is too quick on the draw. Thank God he can understand sentences without periods though. Must be that military training.
Oh for the love, another Sprint “Hey Just Want to Make Sure All the Idiots Really Understand How Redemption Island Works” spot. What if instead of being voted out, Brenda was sent to Redemption Island? What if Sprint was sent to Redemption Island and then shot by T-Mobile in a duel so we don’t have to go through this every commercial break?
Kristina plots her next move while picking her choppers. She is dead set against Rob, wants him out, and dammit she is going to find that Immunity Idol! And dag gone it if she doesn’t do it. UGH. This could be trouble. But hey on the bright side, we get our first CBS censor blur:
But then they burn our eyes with this. Really CBS? You had to censor the above but you couldn’t save us from the below?
Kristina pulls in Frankie and Philip to discuss getting Rob out. They are on board but Philip goes off the charts interrogating her about what the plan is since they don’t have enough votes to pull it off. Kristina quickly regrets ever saying anything to him and tells him that copping attitude is not beneficial. He does not take this well and tells her “You need to pipe that.”
Please. Everyone. This coming week do your best to tell somebody, “you need to pipe that.” The women are relieved to see the rest of the tribe coming back to end the first meeting of the worst alliance ever in Survivor history.
First Immunity Challenge! Yahoo! There are steps and chopping and a temple and (use your best shocked face) a puzzle. At this point of the show, I love that there are about ten other people that we have no idea who they are like Dreadlock Dude. Clearly, he is safe this week, unlike Frankie who has gotten a lot of face time making her the obvious choice to have a reservation on Redemption Island.
Zapatera takes an early lead over Ohmyteepee and then just runs away with it. Ohmyteepee is full of a bunch of weaklings. Rob has his work cut out to try to make up some time on the puzzle but it’s not enough. Russell wins this first round of Satan vs. Bossiah.
Commercial break. I want to stab my eyes out. Ok if Erik was sent to Redemption Island Parvati STILL would have eaten him. Are we done with this yet? Please? I love you Verizon. I will never leave you.
Nurse Ashley laments losing the challenge feeling like they let down their leader, The Bossiah. Kristina pulls in Frankie telling her about the idol. She wants the two of them and “Big Mouth” to vote out Rob and hope the rest vote off Kristina. She will then play the idol, and Rob goes home. As much as Frankie likes the thought of Rob going, she isn’t sure its time with their lack of numbers. She thinks Natalie should go. Kristina is torn because Natalie going may be good for the tribe, but Rob going is good for her.
Boston Rob wants Frankie out because of her “he’s so sneaky” comment at the beginning of the game. But then Kristina was looking for the idol so he knows she’s trouble too. The Bossiah gathers the Blondes, Dreadlock and Anna Paquin (I had no idea she was playing this season) to lay out the plan to get rid of Kristina.
He preaches that he believes the others may have the idol so they have to split the vote. I’m shaking my head already. This is déjà vu and Groundhog Day all rolled into one. Even Rob brings up what happened last time and reiterates the plan to be sure everyone understands who to vote for. This time though I don’t think anyone is going to deliberately go against the plan, I just don’t think they will remember the plan as their collective blonde heads seem to have exploded after the talk, and Anna Paquin just keeps looking for a piano.
Meanwhile, Kristina listens to Philip drone on and on about how he took down SD-6 and they don’t have the votes to pull off a coup until she can’t take it any longer. She shows him the Immunity Idol and assures him they can get Rob off. In a normal circumstance, I would be reveling in watching her ill conceived alliance fall apart at Rob’s hand, but its really a crap shoot who’s going to come out on top with these three idiots going up against the Blonde Ambition Allegiance.
At Tribal Council, I’m as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. I don’t want Rob to go home the first week. Frankie states that chances are a woman is going home tonight to keep the tribe strong. Nice deflection. Jeff says that he imagines there to be an asterisk next to Rob’s name in that thinking. She slyly makes a comment about if Boston Rob was voted out he would probably be ok on Redemption Island, but “he’s not going to be voted out.” Well played Frankie to throw off any suspicion of Rob’s impending doom, except your dumb ass alliance partner Philip has no sense of subtlety. He immediately says he has issue with “Fransessca's” statement and spills the beans about Kristina and Frankie asking him to vote out Boston Rob, as well as revealing that weapons of mass destruction were planted when the US invaded Iraq. Worst. Spy. Ever. Philip has a coronary when Frankie interrupts him. He rambles on and on about being a former agent and going down with the ship and since he hears a different plan then what he was told he will be voting for:
“FRANSESSQUA!”
“Francesa”
“Francesa!”
And rewind. I need to watch that again. Best moment of the episode. Rob is eating all of this up. He knows he is going straight back to camp after the vote.
On the other hand, Anna Paquin is just dazed at what is unfolding.
Kristina gets in on the action trying to paint Philip as unstable. He retaliates by butchering Francesca’s name again and drops the bomb that Kristina has an idol. It's not too often you can get Jeff Probst to look like this during Tribal Council. Bravo Phillip!
I’m so giddy now. Serves her right for picking idiots to be in an alliance, and please, please, please let Philip say Francesca again before this episode ends. The cockroaches start to scramble when Rob confronts the two women if they were going to vote him out. They deny it. Kristina spins some lame ass story that she told Philip she was going to vote out Rob but she was really going to vote out Anna Paquin. Fransessqua corroborates the lie. And then Philip makes all my dreams come true and says Franswesqua. I heart you Survivor. Francesca corrects him again and Philip reveals the reason why he can’t say Francesca. “My mouth is dry and I’ve been receiving treatment for it.” Fantastic.
Boston Rob says he has no idea who is telling the truth but that Kristina hasn’t really done a good job of defending herself. He asks to see the Immunity Idol and then asks her to give it to him. If she’s telling the truth, then give the idol to him. Franswesqua says that’s ridiculous. No way Kristina is falling for the old Erik scam. Rob says he’s going to do what he said he would do with the people he was going to do it with. Rob, don’t confuse the blondes anymore than they already are making statements like that!
Time to vote. Everyone’s eyes are glued on Kristina’s idol but she opts not to play it. Tally comes to 3 for Kristina, 3 for Fransesqua, 2 for Philip…one vote left. And out goes Fransesqua off to Redemption Island.
Kill me now. I never want to see the Sprint logo for as long as I live. What if Jane had been sent, oh whatever just get to the scenes for next week. Oompa Loompa Ralph is crowing like a rooster and pissing off Russell cause he no longer is the hairiest man in Survivor. I can't wait!
